Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Sex in the Female Led Relationship

An interesting aspect of female led relationships to me is the question about how sex should be handled. As a normal male, I do of course enjoy having sexual intercourse with a woman but a part of me I admit views it as having the implication of equity by its very nature, the joining of two complementary parts. And there are positions; most notably “doggie style” and missionary with would actually place the submissive male in a rather dominant position in relation to the dominant female partner during intercourse. As a submissive male I am not sure I should ever be allowed to feel any equality with respect to my dominant female partner. I actually can say with all sincerity that I do subscribe to the ideology of Female Supremacy and I make no apologies for it. To me Female Supremacy, which I define simply as a harmonious environment where both sexes are valued and respected but the final decision in all matters is made by women, is the natural progression and logical extension of female dominated D/s lifestyle relationships. Given that I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of engaging in intercourse with a dominant female partner.

Many who engage in female led D/s relationships believe that intercourse should be eschewed for cunnilingus and strap-on sex. Should the female dominant partner feel the desire for intercourse then they maintain that the male submissive should only be allowed to penetrate her with a strap-on dildo rather than with his own penis. This does make some sense to me as it provides for the penetrative pleasure of the dominant female without the over-shadowing of equality that I alluded to earlier. The male himself is denied the pleasurable sensations associated with intercourse and of course the opportunity to orgasm. I do however know from past discussions with dominant women, that some do enjoy penetrative sex and penetration by an actual penis. Perhaps if this is allowed then as a minimum the submissive male should never be permitted to orgasm during intercourse.

With men in general it is pretty much an accepted fact that the longer a man goes without orgasm, the greater lengths he will go to in order to achieve one. In other words, a teased man will especially attentive and will do whatever his Mistress wishes. Conversely, once a man is sexually gratified, he not thinking about sex any longer for the moment and tends to be less sensitized to the needs and desires of the woman. Some submissive men even report that their submissive feelings ebb to the lowest point after they orgasm. This is the primary reason that many in the lifestyle believe that a man’s orgasm must be harnessed both figuratively and literally. He is conditioned to correlate denial of orgasm with punishment and fulfillment of orgasm as reward. He soon sees the opportunity to have an orgasm as a gift from his dominant, not as some entitlement. Some of the methods for exercising the practice of strict denial include;

  • The submissive male is never allowed under any circumstances to masturbate, unless instructed to do so by his dominant female partner.

  • The submissive male is never permitted to orgasm unless his Mistress has already done so and gives him permission.

  • The dominant female never performs fellatio on her submissive male except perhaps in a limited sense when using it as a tease to exacerbate the effects of denial, to increase his arousal and enhance his feelings of submission.

  • On those rare occasions when a submissive male is allowed sexual release, he should only be permitted to do so by either rubbing against something, such as the mattress, or by manual masturbation using his own hands.

  • Orgasms should be used as a reward for submissive males but having an orgasm without permission should also be a punishable offense.

  • Semen should be disposed of in a way that humiliates the male such as by oral consumption.

  • The extreme method of controlling the submissive male’s orgasm by use of chastity control devices; chastity belts, tubes and the like should be employed whenever it is evident that the male lacks sufficient willpower and self-discipline to refrain from masturbating without permission. Many who endorse the use of chastity devices and the rationing of male orgasms believe that limiting the male to one release per week is a good starting point and he can be gradually conditioned from that point to longer periods of time until ideally, he is kept in denial for two to three weeks at a time. Even longer periods might be imposed to punish bad behavior.

Talking Points:

For Dominant Women: In your opinion should normal sexual intercourse be a part of a female led D/s relationship? If you believe penetrative sex is okay, then do you feel only positions should be used which do not place your submissive male in a dominant position to you during sex? How do you feel about the idea suggested that the submissive male be allowed only to penetrate you with a strap-on dildo instead of his actual penis?


Anonymous said...

I think this places a lot of restrictions on dominant women. I enjoy sex, I enjoy sex with a real penis not a piece of plastic, and I enjoy watching men orgasm. Denying my sub that would deny it to me as well. I feel like a lot of these things should be on a case by case basis. Some dommes enjoy denying orgasms, some enjoy demanding them...as long as everyone in the relationship feels like the power dynamic is being maintained who's to say how it should be maintained?

joe said...


You make some very valid and excellent points and I am so appreciative that you took time to share your thoughts. I very much value the insights of those who favor me with their comments and give me benefit of a different perspective. Thanks so much and I hope you will continue to offer your comments.


Anonymous said...

You said:

"I actually can say with all sincerity that I do subscribe to the ideology of Female Supremacy and I make no apologies for it. To me Female Supremacy, which I define simply as a harmonious environment where both sexes are valued and respected but the final decision in all matters is made by women, is the natural progression and logical extension of female dominated D/s lifestyle relationships."

Could you explain the difference between Dominance and Supremacy?
Is the first a sexual play and the latter a everyday-lifestyle?
Or do you believe that all females are superior to all males and that all women are naturally dominant and all men naturally submissive (or at least: should be)?
How are you distinguishing these terms?

L. Marie said...

I agree with kinkinexile. I love intercourse and I love to see my submissive's orgasms. Sometimes strapons, dildos, vibratos are okay as well, but I don't want to be limited to these toys. I prefer a real penis. So, in my relationships penetrative sex should be definitively part of our sexuality.

I also do not feel that only positions should be used which do not place the sub in a dominant position. That would be another strange and unnecessary restriction...
What worth has a power dynamic if this dynamic is only maintained in certain sex-positions? A real submissive feels submissive even if he is "on top". A real dominant is dominant even if she is lying on her back. One is the leader, one is the servant - no matter how they have sex. Their attitude is important, not the actual position.

If both are really self-confident and if they also feel confident with their roles in their D/s-relationship they don't need such restrictions.

L. Marie said...

Sorry, another post:

I would like to join the question of the "Anonymous"-guy/-girl (?) above: What is, in your view, the difference between dominance and supremacy?

I always thought about supremacy as an ideology which teaches that one gender is superior to the other gender. Female supremacy is the belief that all men are inferior (not necessarily worthless, but inferior) to the female gender, that all women should rule and that vanillas, switches, male dominants and female submissives have an unnatural lifestyle.
Dominance means only that there are some females who love to be in charge and some male who like to be subserviant. They love to be the boss/servant in the bedroom and/or in everyday life. But - in contrast to female supremacy - that does not mean that one gender is in general superior. Dominance and subserviance is a matter of personality of the individual person, not a matter of being male or female.
(Therefore, btw. - although I am a dominant woman - I do not consider myself as a female suprematist. That's in my opinion not better that the typical sexistic belief that all women are there to serve. It's only reverted.)

I've read in your entry "How about a little tolerance" you criticized the stereotypical "all men are leaders, all women are servants"-view. You wrote that roles should not solely base on a person's gender, but on the needs, wishes, goals, opinions and dreams of the persons involved. I assumed this applies as well for the "all women are leaders, all men are servants"-view...
Matriarchial society would be fine, because it matches well with your personal submissive feelings, but you don't see other lifestyles as wrong. And while you are writing about an emerging dominant personality you are not mentioning a particular gender; your statement sounds neutral and you keep it open who is the leader.

That does not sound to me like the typical rather narrow minded supremacy ideology, it sounds tolerant and open minded. You prefer your lifestyle, but other ways are not unnatural and ignorant. At least this is what I took out of your text.

Therefore I am now surprised to read that you are a female suprematist...
Have I misundertood the concept of female supremacy and difference between supremacy and pure dominance? Where would draw the line between these two beliefs?

Anonymous said...

I agree with L Marie.

I think there is a confusion here between fantasies of being submissive and the real dynamic of a couple in which the woman is actually dominant. It's wonderful to explore what might be an alternative to conventional relationship but if you set the agenda and the rules while you expect the 'dominant' woman has to function in those limits, there is a contradiction.

Sharing fantasies is a great way to explore stuff together. It can give a sense of honesty and authenticity. But it should not be an agenda for the dominant to follow.

I only had relationship with 2 dominant women in my life. I felt timid and submissive with them. There was a little bit of kinky stuff between us but it came in the long run and it was mostly their kink, not mine. Both of these women were loving and they explored their dominance in a way that fits their personality.

I realised my submissive feelings were NOT ONLY a fantasy. It was something real. And with them, I also felt it was valued and enjoyed.

Maria said...

I love penetrative sex. Usually we do that with chin dildos, which allows penetration and licking. Once a week we have penetrative sex with his penis. We use benzocaine codoms. His denial period is two to three months.

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