Venus and Mars?

A recent five year study examining the reasons why people have sex conducted by researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same reasons. UT researchers studied the often overlooked "why" behind sex, while others generally spend their time exploring the "how."

Researchers first polled 444 men and women ranging in age from 17 to 52, asking them to compile a list of distinct reasons people have sex. The result was a rather lengthy list of 237 reasons. The researchers then asked 1,549 college students taking psychology classes to rank the reasons on a one-to-five scale according to how they applied to their individual experiences.

The results were quite surprising and revealed that for both women and men; lust rather than a love connection is the primary motivator for having sex. Here are the top ten reasons for having sex that college-age men and women gave University of Texas researchers:

What Men said:

1. I was attracted to the person.

2. It feels good.

3. I wanted to experience physical pleasure.

4. It's fun.

5. I wanted to show my affection to the person.

6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.

7. I was "horny."

8. I wanted to express my love for the person.

9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.

10. I wanted to please my partner.

What women said:

1. I was attracted to the person.

2. I wanted to experience physical pleasure.

3. It feels good.

4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.

5. I wanted to express my love for the person.

6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.

7. I was "horny."

8. It’s fun.

9. I realized I was in love.

10. I was "in the heat of the moment."

Interestingly, 8 of the top 10 reasons were the same but simply ranked slightly differently by the sexes. “Forget thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus, the more we look, the more we find similarity," said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. Dr. Goldstein, who wasn't part of the UT study, said the Texas research made a lot of sense and adds to growing evidence that the vaunted gender differences may only be among people with sexual problems.

"It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes - that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love," said UT clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston, the study's co-author. "That's not what I came up with in my findings." "None of the gender differences are all that great," she added. Dr. Meston conceded that among college students "hormones run rampant" and allowed that results might be different when older groups of people are studied in a similar way.

Sex in the Female Led Relationship

An interesting aspect of female led relationships to me is the question about how sex should be handled. As a normal male, I do of course enjoy having sexual intercourse with a woman but a part of me I admit views it as having the implication of equity by its very nature, the joining of two complementary parts. And there are positions; most notably “doggie style” and missionary with would actually place the submissive male in a rather dominant position in relation to the dominant female partner during intercourse. As a submissive male I am not sure I should ever be allowed to feel any equality with respect to my dominant female partner. I actually can say with all sincerity that I do subscribe to the ideology of Female Supremacy and I make no apologies for it. To me Female Supremacy, which I define simply as a harmonious environment where both sexes are valued and respected but the final decision in all matters is made by women, is the natural progression and logical extension of female dominated D/s lifestyle relationships. Given that I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of engaging in intercourse with a dominant female partner.

Many who engage in female led D/s relationships believe that intercourse should be eschewed for cunnilingus and strap-on sex. Should the female dominant partner feel the desire for intercourse then they maintain that the male submissive should only be allowed to penetrate her with a strap-on dildo rather than with his own penis. This does make some sense to me as it provides for the penetrative pleasure of the dominant female without the over-shadowing of equality that I alluded to earlier. The male himself is denied the pleasurable sensations associated with intercourse and of course the opportunity to orgasm. I do however know from past discussions with dominant women, that some do enjoy penetrative sex and penetration by an actual penis. Perhaps if this is allowed then as a minimum the submissive male should never be permitted to orgasm during intercourse.

With men in general it is pretty much an accepted fact that the longer a man goes without orgasm, the greater lengths he will go to in order to achieve one. In other words, a teased man will especially attentive and will do whatever his Mistress wishes. Conversely, once a man is sexually gratified, he not thinking about sex any longer for the moment and tends to be less sensitized to the needs and desires of the woman. Some submissive men even report that their submissive feelings ebb to the lowest point after they orgasm. This is the primary reason that many in the lifestyle believe that a man’s orgasm must be harnessed both figuratively and literally. He is conditioned to correlate denial of orgasm with punishment and fulfillment of orgasm as reward. He soon sees the opportunity to have an orgasm as a gift from his dominant, not as some entitlement. Some of the methods for exercising the practice of strict denial include;

• The submissive male is never allowed under any circumstances to masturbate, unless instructed to do so by his dominant female partner.


• The submissive male is never permitted to orgasm unless his Mistress has already done so and gives him permission.


• The dominant female never performs fellatio on her submissive male except perhaps in a limited sense when using it as a tease to exacerbate the effects of denial, to increase his arousal and enhance his feelings of submission.


• On those rare occasions when a submissive male is allowed sexual release, he should only be permitted to do so by either rubbing against something, such as the mattress, or by manual masturbation using his own hands.


• Orgasms should be used as a reward for submissive males but having an orgasm without permission should also be a punishable offense.


• Semen should be disposed of in a way that humiliates the male such as by oral consumption.


• The extreme method of controlling the submissive male’s orgasm by use of chastity control devices; chastity belts, tubes and the like should be employed whenever it is evident that the male lacks sufficient willpower and self-discipline to refrain from masturbating without permission. Many who endorse the use of chastity devices and the rationing of male orgasms believe that limiting the male to one release per week is a good starting point and he can be gradually conditioned from that point to longer periods of time until ideally, he is kept in denial for two to three weeks at a time. Even longer periods might be imposed to punish bad behavior.

Talking Points:

For Dominant Women: In your opinion should normal sexual intercourse be a part of a female led D/s relationship? If you believe penetrative sex is okay, then do you feel only positions should be used which do not place your submissive male in a dominant position to you during sex? How do you feel about the idea suggested that the submissive male be allowed only to penetrate you with a strap-on dildo instead of his actual penis?

Is D/s all about the Sex?

At first blush, many who read this blog may assume that my attraction as a male to the D/s, female led relationship must be due to healthy servings of kinky sexual activity especially since previously I have mentioned that both my Mistress and I belong to a BDSM forum. Anyone assuming that this is my motivation would be categorically wrong. First, not all D/s or BDSM relationships for that matter involve sex. While I admit that I am certainly no expert on the lifestyle since I am quite new to it, I have already learned that the BDSM lifestyle far and away transcends the simple notion of sexual activity. True there is some sexual involvement in the lifestyle yet I can assure you that it definitely a part and certainly not the whole.

Taking my present D/s relationship for example, my Mistress and I are involved in an online relationship and actually live a great distance away from each other. While it has been said that one should “never” say never, the possibility that we will ever physically meet face to face is beyond remote. Yet even within this type of relationship I can unequivocally say that my submissive needs are very well met and that I am able to experience very meaningful expression of my nature. My Mistress can if she so chooses and it is certainly within her rights to require me to perform acts at her command that could be defined as sexual in nature. Yet the purpose behind these requirements actually has very little if anything to do with sex or sexual gratification for either of us. We do not engage in phone sex nor do we practice cyber sex. So let me reiterate one last time that this is not at all about sex.

To further illustrate this point that sex plays a very a very small role within the dynamics of a female led D/s relationship one activity I would point to is orgasm denial. Mistress enjoys complete and unequivocal control over my sexual gratification. I am not permitted to experience orgasms without her permission. She may decide to withhold orgasms for any period of time she deems appropriate. She is never cruel or extreme about it yet she exerts sufficient control over this area that I am constantly aware of her control of this very intimate part of my being. While some might believe this would be an intolerable situation to be placed in, actually from my perspective as a submissive it is not only tolerable but actually I find it to be a meaningful and fulfilling situation. Not being allowed to orgasm accentuates my feelings of submission. The longer I go without an orgasm the more my submissive nature manifests itself in my thoughts and actions. It enhances both my attentiveness to my Mistress and helps to ensure that I do my very best in meeting her expectations that I will show her the utmost respect at all times and will treat her with the deference she deserves as the leader of our relationship. It results in my complete and cheerfully obedience to her instructions and commands. In other words I submit to her on the level that my submission remains constant in the degree in which I express it. Orgasm denial, which clearly is the very antithesis of sexual gratification, serves an important role in providing me with valuable instruction and training relevant to helping me to understand and embrace my role as my Mistress’ submissive partner. It enhances my compliance, obedience and serves the important role of male ego reduction.