What is the Problem?

Submissive men often complain how difficult it is to meet dominant women. Many pessimistically point to the fact that the odds are stacked against them - too many submissive men seeking the attention of too few dominant females. But I am beginning to wonder if in fact there is a shortage of dominant women or a shortage of genuine male submissives? Recently I read a post on another blog about how one dominant woman posting for a submissive received more than 200 responses from “eager-to-be-collared” men only to quickly dismiss all as unacceptable or simply not serious candidates. Her search continues.

Another dominant woman In Seattle I read about in is fed up with this situation. Why, she asks, is it so difficult for her and other dominant women to find a suitable submissive to collar when there is such a supposed over-supply of available submissive men?

While perhaps I admit likely not representative of the potential universe of available submissive men, I enjoy reading the ads posted on craigslist and here are three very representative ads posted by men “advertising” themselves as submissive males seeking a dominant female…

“Hello. I am seeking a girl to dominate me. I'm actually sort of a closet submissive, in that I've fantasized about being in the "bottom" or submissive role yet I've never managed to meet the right kind of girl. (After all, you can't actually ask a girl if she's dominant IRL until you've gotten to know her, and the process of getting to know someone that well takes time, thus dramatically limiting the amount of people you can screen.”

“I am wanting a woman that is interested in using a strap on with me. I have never had a woman do me like that before, so you would have to be willing to take things slow and break me in the right way. Dominant woman preferred. Safety and discretion are a must.”

“My requirements for my potential dominatrix are: very smart; confident; willing to take control; highly dominant (or at least willing to be highly dominant on occasion); age/race not important; not religious; not overweight; likes to cuddle and kiss after a session of dirtiness; open to the possibility of an LTR; has no problem with the idea of tying me with ropes in uncomfortable, shame-generating ways. I am chiefly interested in moderate pain, kinky sex of all kinds, and being tied up, gagged and treated roughly. Anyway, without further ado, my vitals. If you're interested please e-mail immediately, with a picture, and I will write back attaching my own picture.”

Contestant number one characterizes himself as a “closet submissive” that has “fantasized” about being submissive. Contestant number two is seeking a woman to do him with a strap on because he “has never had a woman like that…” Contestant number three seeks a “trim” Mistress who “likes to cuddle and kiss after a session of dirtiness” and then goes on to list the kinks he expects the “successful” candidate to address for him! Hmmm…I wonder if he is requiring a résumé?

To quote Fleetwood Mac from, Little Lies, “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…” I am not a dominant woman to be sure, but please! Come on! I think even I can see through the thinly veiled misrepresentations (lies is such a harsh word) of these self-proclaimed “submissive men” who are quite obviously NOT looking to submit to a woman but to get into a woman’s panties, get some sex with a nice helping of kink for spice and have all of their favorite fantasies fulfilled. Yes, ladies, sad but true, men will lie to get sex.

So which is it? Is the problem too many submissive men seeking the attention of too few dominant females? Or is the shortage of genuine male submissives the real problem? Actually I think the truth lies somewhere in between. As practicing members of the D/s lifestyle, be we female or male, dominant or submissive, we really represent a very small percentage of society. As a percentage there aren’t a lot of dominant women ready to assume leadership of a female led relationship and as a percentage there are not a lot of genuine submissive men who wish to relinquish control to and serve a dominant woman. But for those us who feel this deep, pressing need to fulfill our destinies and experience the D/s lifestyle I think we should never give up even though the odds are against us and we should be willing to sift all the chaff that is required to find the wheat, that special someone who allows our dominance or submission full and satisfying expression.