Monday, April 7, 2008

Introducing the male ego

  • From an article I recently came across written by another submissive man who is a strong supporter of female led relationships;

    “Key to a successful (Fem Dom) relationship - in my mind - is the reduction of the male ego. Too many men believe that all relationships with women should revolve around their needs and desires. Quite frankly, such relationships are doomed to fail. In my humble [and I am humble] opinion, relationships work best when the man is able to significantly reduce his ego and needs in order to allow his female partner to be free to express her needs, desires and opinions. Being deferential to the needs of a woman is a positive, healthy and beneficial role for the male. A truly secure man is not intimidated by a woman or what she requires of him.”

Recently I read this quote and decided to do a bit of research into topic “the male ego” so that I could through introspection learn whether this was a truth I should embrace as a submissive male. Male ego is generally recognized in common speech as well as in the realms of psychiatry as a term referring to the attitude and behavior of a person who has an exaggerated opinion of his capabilities and importance. Such a person often tries to assert his importance in various ways, most often in the presence of women. Since this sort of conceited behavior is generally observed more in men than women it is referred to as the male ego. The male ego might also be termed the “male hubris” (as opposed to “humility”) effect.

Manifestations of the male ego generally are unfriendly to females. Examples include men believing that they are superior to women because of their sex. Men believing they are more intelligent and more clever than women. The reluctance among men to take women seriously. The practice among men to value a woman based only upon her physical attractiveness. Men placing themselves in the role of arbiter of what is right and wrong, or of what should be done in a particular situation. Men listening to a woman’s opinion (and patting themselves on the back for doing so) but never questioning their assumption of the role of judge as to whether the woman's perspective has merit or is worthy of application. Men objectifying women and seeing women as only useful as a willing receptacle for his sexual release. It seems pretty clear from these examples that the manifestations of the male ego have a decidedly negative connotation with respect to women.

The male ego is very much a macho image and is very much about sex. Since the male hubris manifests itself primarily related to a man’s accomplishments in life, sometimes sex is all a man has to fall back on because he has no other outlet for his expression of power besides anger. In addition men “need” sexual release upper and foremost. Just plain raw sex and he doesn't care where it comes from. Men may not even fully understand this about themselves, but their body is pumping chemicals to their brains resulting in a driving need for sexual release. This "need" is as real for men as their requirement for food. Satisfaction of this “need” also makes a man feel that he has "what it takes" to make women want him and this affirms his self image of being attractive, desirable, powerful, and able to satisfy a woman's sexual needs. In other words it makes him feels more of a man for it. Recently I read a poll published in a popular men’s magazine where men were asked to choose from a list of sexual intercourse positions as the one they most preferred. The overwhelming choice was “doggie style” and I believe this speaks volumes about the male ego. This position is one in which the man is very much is the dominant, aggressive and controlling position and the one in which he most easily visualizes himself “taking” what he wants from the women and “forcing” her to submit to him and serve as his receptacle for his sexual release. Some men could care less what women think about him or what's on their minds as long as they are available to provide sexual gratification.

Obviously in D/s Fem Dom relationships all of the above gets completely inverted. For the man who desires to submit to a female dominant, it becomes all about her; her needs, her desires, and her happiness. His needs and desires must become secondary to that. He must be humble rather than conceited. He must find his happiness serving her respectfully and efficiently and from making her happy in every way possible. The man must come to terms with the fact that he is not in control and is not the boss in the relationship. Given the veracity of this, then I do see and actually agree with the basic premise of the quotation referenced at the beginning or this article that the reduction of the often out-of-control male ego is key to a successful D/s Fem Dom relationship and would likely even be important in “vanilla” male – female relationships as well.

If we accept the premise that the reduction of the male ego is key to a successful D/s Fem Dom relationship, then how is it achieved? While there is some complexity when in comes to trying to understand how to deal with this incredibly powerful (but at the same time fragile) and sensitive force called the male ego, many agree that it is often associated with a poor opinion of oneself in comparison with others and is believed to stem from an inherent complex which may alternate between feelings of superiority and inferiority resulting in the desire to impress others. Especially (but not exclusively) with a woman a man finds value in a single word, tone or facial expression can drive a man to perform some of the most heroic, selfless, and bordering on miraculous acts ever imagined. Yet in the same way, the very same ego can be crushed by a single tone, word, or facial expression of a woman and can send a man into a hole so deep that he cannot access his emotions. While powerful in the sense of how it controls a man’s behavior, the male ego is also so vulnerable that he can feel crushed, even by accident.

All of that certainly makes a strong case for the use of humiliation as a most effective means for reducing the male ego. Humiliation in itself is a complex term. What one person finds hugely humiliating in another might produce only mild feelings of embarrassment and even in another might result in no emotional effect whatsoever. It is also true that one activity might only produce the desired feelings of humiliation while in another the very same activity to actually make the person feel degraded which is actually a form of abuse. So it is key to tailor the activity to the specific man when practicing the fine art of humiliation. Humiliation should have the effect of reducing the male ego but should never result in lowering a person’s self-esteem. A list of activities that might produce humiliation is virtually infinite but I offer a few suggestions I thought of that I feel would make me feel humiliated. With real life relationships there are even more possibilities but as is apparent I have offered those that would work both in real life and in distance relationships (the type of relationship I am involved in):

  • Don’t allow him to touch his cock or masturbate without your permission.
  • Make him report to you each and every time he gets an erection and require him to confess any time he forgets and punish him.
  • Order him to make his cock hard and then keep it hard for an extended period of time, punishing him if he fails.
  • Order him to do household chores while naked or while only wearing feminine items like lingerie, a frilly apron or high heels.
  • Find creative ways to tease him making him get hard and aroused for extended periods of time and make him stroke his cock whenever it begins to go soft but don’t allow him to cum.
  • Make him kneel naked and watch you masturbate (or tell him about it if you are in a distant relationship) and forbid him from touching or stroking his cock.
  • Put on a strap on and make him kneel and perform fellatio on a dildo (or simply make him buy a dildo and do the same activity if you are in a distance relationship).Make him wear female panties or lingerie items at home or under his normal clothing when he goes out.
  • Make him shave his legs or polish his toenails with a bright feminine color.
  • Make him masturbate until he needs to orgasm and then make him beg for permission to cum but deny him and punish him if he does.
  • Use a strap on to screw his ass or make him do it with a dildo.
  • Order him to go to a public place (with privacy) and to strip naked and masturbate until he has performed a set number of edges.
  • Make him perform repetitive edges over an extended number of days without allowing him to cum.
  • Call him names like sissy slut, pussy boy or question his masculinity by suggesting that you believe he is really bi-sexual or gay.
  • Insult his manhood by commenting on how small or useless it is.
  • Make him earn rewards like he can masturbate for five minutes every time he pleases you in some way five times.
  • Make him pleasure you to orgasm (can be done either in person or with phone or online sex) and then for every minute it takes you to cum, spank his ass (or make him spank himself) 10 times.
  • When you feel he has earned an orgasm, make him masturbate in a position where he cums on his own face or make him cum on his feet and then lick it off. Always make him eat his own cum any time that you give him permission to cum.

    Humiliation should not be thought of in a negative way because most submissives actually find it erotic for the very reason that it causes them to feel embarrassment. And I think it is always good to use humiliation in conjunction with the use of praise when your man does something that pleases you so that it serves its purpose of reducing his male ego but does not cause him to feel worthless or degraded.

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