Give and Take

Something my Mistress recently wrote motivated me to write about this particular topic today concerning the give and take aspects of a successful D/s relationship. While the submissive male should, and rightfully so I believe, place his Mistress upon a proverbial pedestal out of respect, admiration and adoration of her as an assertive, dominant woman, I do also clearly understand that within the dynamics of a D/s relationship, both bring positive contributions to the table for the benefit of the other. It’s simply a matter of a mathematical equation so to speak. One functioning dominant plus one functioning submissive equals a D/s relationship. Without the one there would really be little point to the existence of the other. I also believe that my submission and her dominance need to be nurtured regularly with rituals and acts of domination and of submission so that we both can experience growth in our respective roles.

Obviously, I am much more qualified to speak on the subject of submission than to speculate about what it may be like from the perspective of a dominant woman and to guess at exactly what activities nurture her dominance and satisfy her dominant needs. So rather than speculate about that which I don’t know, I will confine myself to speaking about that part I do know from personal experience. A submissive male needs a Mistress to regularly push his submissive buttons to help him maintain consistent submission. Submission is in part a mental condition and to be maintained frequent reminders of his commitment to his Mistress are needed. Try as we might it is difficult for us to constantly maintain a focus on always putting our Mistress’ needs first not withstanding the fact that at the center of our submissive male hearts is the desire to please. Even a submissive male’s “macho attitude” can sometimes rear its ugly head unless our Mistress makes it her goal to keep our minds sharply focused on our submission to her and her happiness. Sharing activities that signify our male surrender affirm her female superiority and I think are essential to the long term success of a D/s relationship. In turn these activities affirm for the submissive man that the source of his pleasure is principally derived from serving and adoring his Mistress. This helps him to keep the right mental attitude and also enhances the erotic tension within the relationship.

A female led D/s lifestyle relationship, contains these important elements, an exchange of power, male submission, obedience and control. With these integrated ingredients a couple preserves a balanced relationship and are happy and fulfilled people and can achieve long lasting intimacy. While my Mistress and I are both still learning our respective roles I think we are both growing and consequently we are allowing our relationship to evolve naturally. One thing I feel that my Mistress seems to intuitively understand is that ensuring that I belong to her mentally is the foundation on which our relationship is built as we engage more often in more mental type pursuits rather than physical ones simply due to the character of our relationship, which is an online based distance relationship. She does, in my opinion, a very effective job of bringing creative techniques to bear which remind me of my submissive role and that help keep our relationship fresh and vibrant.

There are many techniques and practices she uses, buttons she pushes to help me maintain focus and help me to maintain consistent submission. Rituals, assignments and the use of mild humiliation are tools she uses which help keep my mind and actions focused on pleasing her. While she hasn’t yet found it necessary to discipline me, she very effectively holds forth the specter of potential discipline so that I take very seriously the fact that she would not hesitate to employ that tool at any time she felt that I needed to sharpen my Mistress pleasing skills. Another very effective method she employs is through effectively projecting herself to me as a caring, loving, and nurturing female authority figure. While she has me convinced that she will not hesitate to punish wrong doings on my part severely, she also liberally gives me mental hugs and kisses, praise and encouragement, all of which serve to stir my submissive nature and keep me focused on serving and pleasing her.

Much of what I have shared thus far accentuates the mental aspects but she is also adept at interjecting the necessary physical components as well. She regularly sends me written communications that mention my submissive behavior and she addresses me as “her” sub, pet, naughty one, etc., all terms that help me focus both on her ownership and my submission. She encourages me in writing this blog which serves as a journal of sorts in which I record my thoughts and submissive feelings. She also comments on what I write frequently so that I am aware of the fact that she reads my blog and considers it an important part of our relationship. She also devises creative physical assignments for me to perform which help keep me sexually aroused and at times pleasingly frustrated. The most amazing discovery I have made thus far as far as the physical part of our relationship is that she has a talent for keeping me high on an ascending arousal plateau for long periods of time. Even when she gives me an assignment that allows me to masturbate to orgasm, shortly after I climax, already my arousal is again building once again so that I always have this richly rewarding feeling of always being left wanting more. Despite the fact she is new to exercising her dominant side, I truly find my Mistress has a rich natural talent for helping me to remain focused, vibrantly submissive and sexually aroused with all the ways she so deftly combines the tools at her disposal to wield her powerful female dominance and make me feel and experience it in very realistic ways. I can only hope that my efforts at offering my sincere submission, service and obedience to her, help to fuel and empower her dominance in a hopefully similar effective manner.

Talking Point: Do you believe both the domiant and submissive contribute equally to the relationship or do you feel that one or the other contributes more to its success?

Introducing the male ego

• From an article I recently came across written by another submissive man who is a strong supporter of female led relationships;
  
  “Key to a successful (Fem Dom) relationship - in my mind - is the reduction of the male ego. Too many men believe that all relationships with women should revolve around their needs and desires. Quite frankly, such relationships are doomed to fail. In my humble [and I am humble] opinion, relationships work best when the man is able to significantly reduce his ego and needs in order to allow his female partner to be free to express her needs, desires and opinions. Being deferential to the needs of a woman is a positive, healthy and beneficial role for the male. A truly secure man is not intimidated by a woman or what she requires of him.”

Recently I read this quote and decided to do a bit of research into topic “the male ego” so that I could through introspection learn whether this was a truth I should embrace as a submissive male. Male ego is generally recognized in common speech as well as in the realms of psychiatry as a term referring to the attitude and behavior of a person who has an exaggerated opinion of his capabilities and importance. Such a person often tries to assert his importance in various ways, most often in the presence of women. Since this sort of conceited behavior is generally observed more in men than women it is referred to as the male ego. The male ego might also be termed the “male hubris” (as opposed to “humility”) effect.

Manifestations of the male ego generally are unfriendly to females. Examples include men believing that they are superior to women because of their sex. Men believing they are more intelligent and more clever than women. The reluctance among men to take women seriously. The practice among men to value a woman based only upon her physical attractiveness. Men placing themselves in the role of arbiter of what is right and wrong, or of what should be done in a particular situation. Men listening to a woman’s opinion (and patting themselves on the back for doing so) but never questioning their assumption of the role of judge as to whether the woman's perspective has merit or is worthy of application. Men objectifying women and seeing women as only useful as a willing receptacle for his sexual release. It seems pretty clear from these examples that the manifestations of the male ego have a decidedly negative connotation with respect to women.

The male ego is very much a macho image and is very much about sex. Since the male hubris manifests itself primarily related to a man’s accomplishments in life, sometimes sex is all a man has to fall back on because he has no other outlet for his expression of power besides anger. In addition men “need” sexual release upper and foremost. Just plain raw sex and he doesn't care where it comes from. Men may not even fully understand this about themselves, but their body is pumping chemicals to their brains resulting in a driving need for sexual release. This "need" is as real for men as their requirement for food. Satisfaction of this “need” also makes a man feel that he has "what it takes" to make women want him and this affirms his self image of being attractive, desirable, powerful, and able to satisfy a woman's sexual needs. In other words it makes him feels more of a man for it. Recently I read a poll published in a popular men’s magazine where men were asked to choose from a list of sexual intercourse positions as the one they most preferred. The overwhelming choice was “doggie style” and I believe this speaks volumes about the male ego. This position is one in which the man is very much is the dominant, aggressive and controlling position and the one in which he most easily visualizes himself “taking” what he wants from the women and “forcing” her to submit to him and serve as his receptacle for his sexual release. Some men could care less what women think about him or what's on their minds as long as they are available to provide sexual gratification.

Obviously in D/s Fem Dom relationships all of the above gets completely inverted. For the man who desires to submit to a female dominant, it becomes all about her; her needs, her desires, and her happiness. His needs and desires must become secondary to that. He must be humble rather than conceited. He must find his happiness serving her respectfully and efficiently and from making her happy in every way possible. The man must come to terms with the fact that he is not in control and is not the boss in the relationship. Given the veracity of this, then I do see and actually agree with the basic premise of the quotation referenced at the beginning or this article that the reduction of the often out-of-control male ego is key to a successful D/s Fem Dom relationship and would likely even be important in “vanilla” male – female relationships as well.

If we accept the premise that the reduction of the male ego is key to a successful D/s Fem Dom relationship, then how is it achieved? While there is some complexity when in comes to trying to understand how to deal with this incredibly powerful (but at the same time fragile) and sensitive force called the male ego, many agree that it is often associated with a poor opinion of oneself in comparison with others and is believed to stem from an inherent complex which may alternate between feelings of superiority and inferiority resulting in the desire to impress others. Especially (but not exclusively) with a woman a man finds value in a single word, tone or facial expression can drive a man to perform some of the most heroic, selfless, and bordering on miraculous acts ever imagined. Yet in the same way, the very same ego can be crushed by a single tone, word, or facial expression of a woman and can send a man into a hole so deep that he cannot access his emotions. While powerful in the sense of how it controls a man’s behavior, the male ego is also so vulnerable that he can feel crushed, even by accident.

All of that certainly makes a strong case for the use of humiliation as a most effective means for reducing the male ego. Humiliation in itself is a complex term. What one person finds hugely humiliating in another might produce only mild feelings of embarrassment and even in another might result in no emotional effect whatsoever. It is also true that one activity might only produce the desired feelings of humiliation while in another the very same activity to actually make the person feel degraded which is actually a form of abuse. So it is key to tailor the activity to the specific man when practicing the fine art of humiliation. Humiliation should have the effect of reducing the male ego but should never result in lowering a person’s self-esteem. A list of activities that might produce humiliation is virtually infinite but I offer a few suggestions I thought of that I feel would make me feel humiliated. With real life relationships there are even more possibilities but as is apparent I have offered those that would work both in real life and in distance relationships (the type of relationship I am involved in):

• Don’t allow him to touch his cock or masturbate without your permission.
• Make him report to you each and every time he gets an erection and require him to confess any time he forgets and punish him.
• Order him to make his cock hard and then keep it hard for an extended period of time, punishing him if he fails.
• Order him to do household chores while naked or while only wearing feminine items like lingerie, a frilly apron or high heels.
• Find creative ways to tease him making him get hard and aroused for extended periods of time and make him stroke his cock whenever it begins to go soft but don’t allow him to cum.
• Make him kneel naked and watch you masturbate (or tell him about it if you are in a distant relationship) and forbid him from touching or stroking his cock.
• Put on a strap on and make him kneel and perform fellatio on a dildo (or simply make him buy a dildo and do the same activity if you are in a distance relationship).Make him wear female panties or lingerie items at home or under his normal clothing when he goes out.
• Make him shave his legs or polish his toenails with a bright feminine color.
• Make him masturbate until he needs to orgasm and then make him beg for permission to cum but deny him and punish him if he does.
• Use a strap on to screw his ass or make him do it with a dildo.
• Order him to go to a public place (with privacy) and to strip naked and masturbate until he has performed a set number of edges.
• Make him perform repetitive edges over an extended number of days without allowing him to cum.
• Call him names like sissy slut, pussy boy or question his masculinity by suggesting that you believe he is really bi-sexual or gay.
• Insult his manhood by commenting on how small or useless it is.
• Make him earn rewards like he can masturbate for five minutes every time he pleases you in some way five times.
• Make him pleasure you to orgasm (can be done either in person or with phone or online sex) and then for every minute it takes you to cum, spank his ass (or make him spank himself) 10 times.
• When you feel he has earned an orgasm, make him masturbate in a position where he cums on his own face or make him cum on his feet and then lick it off. Always make him eat his own cum any time that you give him permission to cum.
  
  Humiliation should not be thought of in a negative way because most submissives actually find it erotic for the very reason that it causes them to feel embarrassment. And I think it is always good to use humiliation in conjunction with the use of praise when your man does something that pleases you so that it serves its purpose of reducing his male ego but does not cause him to feel worthless or degraded.