Oscar Wilde (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)
From many different sources I have discovered and studied, I have come to understand that the concept of passively submitting to and being dominated by an assertive female is one of the most common erotic fantasies among men in general, whether they self-identify as submissive men or not. Sexual fantasies are daydreams, imaginary visions, whimsical speculations, wishful thinking. Everybody fantasizes about sexual things to some degree and at some level. Sexual fantasies may express an aspect of our unconscious mind. For example, fantasies about being submissive or passive may be linked to a desire to experience high sexual arousal without personal responsibility. But many times our sexual fantasies are simply a means by which we can act out things we might never do in real life and sometimes they turn us on precisely because they're not real. This I suspect is why my dominant female friend so often finds disappointment in her search for an authentic submissive man to partner with her in the loving female led relationship she desires.
Many explanations have been offered for why men fantasize about being subjected to female domination. Perhaps one of the most compelling and academic explanations has been offered by Elise Sutton, author of the books Female Domination and The FemDom Experience. As a psychologist she offers some very interesting and plausible psychological reasons for why nearly all men find this erotic and arousing to fantasize about. She theorizes that there is an innate part of a male’s inner being that produces in them the desire to be dominated by a woman resulting from a man's childhood experiences with his female authority figures. She observes that a male is carried in the womb of a woman, birthed into the world by a woman, nurtured at the breasts of a woman, disciplined by the loving hands of a woman, and is loved and comforted by a woman. She notes that most of the time, a young boy is bathed, caressed, nurtured and spanked by adult female authority figures and that this contributes to later stirring submissive feelings. When they reach adolescence and begin to experiment with their sexuality, become curious and discover an attraction for females, then their earlier experiences with the nurturing and discipline from females becomes intertwined and mixed with the sexual. Young boys grown accustomed to being bossed around and dominated by the adult female authority figures upon entering puberty then begin to experience sexual fantasies that often involve being the helpless sexual victim of one of his adult female authority figures like a teacher, older sister or a babysitter. When these boys grow into men these submissive desires linger. They often retain the fantasy of being an innocent and helpless boy that is being dominated, disciplined or being sexually used by an adult female authority figure. An adult male still longs for those feelings produced from childhood female authority figures who disciplined him but then afterwards hugged him, comforted him and nurtured him causing him to associate punishment and love and seeming them as going hand and hand.
As men become adults in this society that expects men to be the dominant gender, most try to suppress their desire to submit to women and often successfully. They yield to the perceived pressure that society places on them to act “masculine” as society defines that role. Yet submitting to women continues to be something they fantasize about. Some even go as far as to express their fantasies by seeking contact with dominant women and offering to submit to them, although in reality they never have any real intention of doing so. They are seeking a means of having the dominant women fulfill for them some of their erotic submissive fantasies but they will not act on those fantasies in real life. So is submission merely a sexual fantasy that men harbor or is it something some men actually feel a need and a longing to actually do?
Some of these “submissive” men are in fact willing to express their submissive desires toward women in the sexual realm through different sexual desires. He may desire to bottom during sex, may desire corporal punishment (being spanked or whipped by a woman), may desire to be emasculated (forced feminization) or may desire humiliation (strap-on sex, water sports, etc.). However all of these stem from his interest in the erotic and sexual aspects of female domination. He sees dominant women only in terms of leather outfits, whips, and the source of techniques to satiate and fulfill his own sexual fantasies and needs, and has no concern about fulfilling hers. Once he has been satisfied sexually then he no longer has any desire to submit.
Authentic submissive men do desire erotic submission (being spanked or whipped by a woman), forced feminization (being emasculated by a woman), humiliation, strap-on sex (being the receiver of a woman's rubber phallus), water sports (such as forced enemas or golden showers), and other D&S activities. But what sets these men apart is the fact that they also want to worship the female by tending to her physical and sexual needs and are also willing and eager to be made to serve her domestically. The common thread to all these sexual and submissive desires is the true longing for loving female authority. That is what the authentic submissive man is seeking from the female gender. All of his specific fetishes are merely the outward expressions of his need and hunger for loving female authority.
With the authentic male submissive, either he has been unsuccessful in his past attempts to suppress his desire to submit to women and to live up to the masculine model society expects of him, or else he has at some point I think become enlightened enough to see the societal definition of masculinity is wrong and goes against his natural nature which is to offer willing submission to strong, dominant women. He longs to be dominated, disciplined, and controlled by a woman in order yield to the power of a female and in fact his inherent submissive nature compels him to do so. No matter how hard society or religion tries to tell men differently, something deep inside of him yearns to surrender to a powerful woman. He has found the courage to win the internal battle within each male and has come to terms with his submissive nature understanding he needs to express it to be at peace with himself.
Clearly, I do understand the frustration dominant women express over the dishonest, self-serving men who portray themselves as submissive but who are not. It is also frustrating for me because I know it creates cynicism among dominant women which makes it even more difficult for authentic submissive men to find partners for loving female relationships. Yet clearly, there is no way to eliminate these types of men from the equation. There will always be those who selfishly want their own sexual needs and fantasies to be met but who have no intentions of actually submitting to a woman. They will continue to use deception and lies to attempt to get it. I can only encourage those men who truly are submissive to be open and completely honest when communicating to potential dominant female partners and only offer to submit when you know you are actually willing to follow through on your promises.