Friday, May 30, 2008

Case for the Professional Dominatrix


While it hasn’t been that long since my submissiveness was awakened and I began to seek a relationship with a dominant woman, at times I find myself admitting that the possibility of me landing in a real life, day to day relationship with such a woman is actually rather bleak. I base this not only my own personal experiences to date but also on the reports I read in the blogs of other submissive men. Perhaps finding a confident, assertive, dominant woman interested in having a relationship with me is something of a pipe dream. As one of those men who came to understand and embrace my submissiveness in the middle age part of my life, with each passing month, I feel less optimistic about my chances.

There was the point for me when I decided that I was not going to get involved in another relationship with a vanilla woman who subscribed to patriarchal societies’ norm that it is the woman who is expected to fill the submissive role sexually and relationally. I have had two such relationships since my divorce and neither turned out to be meaningful or sustainable for me. Regardless of how open the women were to kink, the absence of an outlet for my submissive nature simply made both relationships untenable. Yet now I find myself in that all too familiar circumstance where I am craving intimacy and desiring sexual expression beyond what I can provide myself in ex parte. Fortunately for men, we can experience through masturbation a degree of sexual gratification quite comparable to that we receive from copulation. Yet after a period of time of going solo, a man begins as I have to crave intimacy with a woman.

These feelings have made me start to seriously contemplate something I have never really seriously considered before. I have never experienced much of a problem with finding vanilla women to date and become involved with. Actually I already am acquainted with two such women at this very moment who have made no secret of their willingness to explore a possible romantic relationship with me. For whatever reason I have always seem to get on well with the female gender and women seem to like me and enjoy my company. And of course, there is so much about women that I find agreeable and interesting. What I have started to give consideration to is finding a vanilla woman to get involved with in the context of a traditional relationship so that I can experience the intimacy I crave and then address my need for a submissive outlet by finding a professional dominatrix. Conceptually I do understand that professional dominatrices are not prostitutes. Yet realistically I know I have always considered paying for the services of one to be on the same level of paying for sex. Perhaps this is something I need a new perspective on. On the one hand, I know I can’t find true contentment without an outlet for submissive expression while on the other hand I miss intimate involvement with a woman within the context of a committed relationship. Perhaps, at least for me there is simply no alternative to seeking what I need from more than a single source so to speak. Unlike a man who was fortunate enough to come to terms with and embrace his submissiveness in say his mid-twenties, I am not free to pick up and move to a location where there are women more D/s friendly and aware. To do so would require sacrifices that I am unwilling and actually unable to make at my age. Besides that based on the experiences of another submissive guy whose blog I read regularly who has done that, it hasn’t appeared that he has experienced much success as a result and he is a good number of years younger than I.

I do understand of course that seeking to have my cake and eat it too so to speak is not without obstacles. Finding a professional would I think be comparatively simple and I am at a place in my life where that would be easily affordable. But in the interest of the kind of honesty required for a committed relationship, this would not be an aspect of my life that I could in good conscience hide from the vanilla woman I might seek out for an intimate relationship partner. I do feel it would require an incredibly secure and open woman to accept me seeing a professional dominatrix on a regular basis while simultaneously being involved with her. Part of the problem is of course that vanilla people simply don’t have an accurate perspective of D/s. To them it seems purely sexual and they cannot understand that while the sexual is involved to a degree, it isn’t really about sex it’s about the need to submit. She may understand sexual submission from a lifetime of filling the traditional role of the passive sexual partner in the bedroom expected of women in our society. Yet I know that would do little towards helping her to understand submission as I speak of it. Still there is a possibility that I might find a woman willing to accept this arrangement and perhaps that is a much more realistic possibility than me finding a dominant woman with whom to have a female led relationship.

The part of this idea that bothers me the most I suppose is the fact that in no small way, I will still be engaging in a bit of deception and dishonesty. I can perform in the role of the “typical” male as society defines that gender role, and on the basis of past experience, I can successfully fill the role of a sexual top. Yet in my heart of hearts I know that masquerading as a typical dominant male is not at all something I find meaningful or fulfilling and so by doing what I propose I will simply be indulging in a role play to get my needs for intimacy met. The question that remains is whether or not I will be able to rationalize that over the long-term.

5 comments:

s said...

Joe,

(Yet another) Interesting post. Yours is one of the most introspective, thoughtful blogs on the subject I've found. Thanks for that.

I guess that any woman willing to accept your visiting a dominatrix to fulfill this you have need would either (1) be virtually nonexistent, or (2) be willing to fill that need herself.

That is, I guess most women struggle to understand the itch itself, not the mode for scratching it.

If I'm right, you're probably better off continuing your search for a woman "with the total package"...and using a professional in the meantime.

M said...

"Conceptually I do understand that professional dominatrices are not prostitutes. Yet realistically I know I have always considered paying for the services of one to be on the same level of paying for sex. Perhaps this is something I need a new perspective on."

Hmmm. Paying for sex is paying for sex is paying for sex. You can wrap it up in a pretty package, and say it's not really intercourse, and such things....but that doesn't really change the gist of what is going on. To be honest, I've always felt like a lot of sex work is more about companionship and intimacy than it is about genitals. Here's my question: what is wrong with the idea of paying for sex?

Anonymous said...

"Here's my question: what is wrong with the idea of paying for sex?"

I have to say this. If a woman or man is willing and able to offer a service that involves the use of their own body in any way they want they should be allowed and if you are interested then go for it.

I don't care if it is installing your flooring, cleaning your bathtub, weilding a whip, or allowing you to slip inside their warm and welcoming body. It is their body, their labor and they have control.

I don't believe someone else's judgements about what is right or wrong should apply. If you feel it is right for you... then do it.

That said, I believe you will have a very hard time finding the perfect combination of vanilla woman who is open to this idea. But I also believe anything is possible. I don't think anyone who met me would ever know at first glance all that I enjoy and want on a personal and sexual level.

Hugs,
Honey

wilhelmina said...

There is something very personal about that need to submit to someone. A professional service would meet that need within the right context and environment. I see nothing wrong with this at all if you are unable to find a woman who is interested in moving into the sort of relationship you truly want.

Hugs
Mina

Anonymous said...

Joe......great blog. Do not give up your dreams !!!!!!!!
For 35 years in my first marriage I tried to sublimate my needs to those of a vanilla wife. It finally became too much.

At 57 I found a woman 19 years younger who, while not a dominant, said to me, "if this is what you need, I will give it to you. In return, you will service me in any way I wish."

Ten years later, and after menopause, she no longer is interested in much sex so the nature of the relationship has changed. I am now in chastity most of the time and am disciplined when needed or spanked once a week or so to keep me focused on her needs.

Last week, while she was out shopping I masturbated and the following resulted (taken from a blog to which I posted):If I am to receive a punishment whipping (and this is infrequent) my Wife has had me modify our stand-alone butcher block so that i may be tied over it. i am put in wrist and ankle cuffs with short ropes attached which are tied to the underside of the block. i am bent over from the waist and, when tied, can barely touch the floor with my feet. i am then gagged (no safe word, of course) and she will then whip me for upwards of an hour, with some short breaks. Before the punishment i have had to lay out all of the instruments(canes, paddles, whips, etc.) on a table next to the block. When She is finished I am made to sit on a coco door mat for half an hour while i recover. i am restrained because i could never hold still for this type of whipping and She doesn't want to have to deal with me jumping around.

The most amazing part though is that this week she has told me to make an appointment with a professional disciplinarian whom we have used on occasion when she just doesn't feel like she can give me what I crave. Is there sex involved, no way, I am in a CB 6000. Is it sexual, of course.

My point is all of this is that you can find the relationship you need. You just must be totally honest with whomever you are dating.

Good luck,

leigh