Self Takes a Holiday

Submissive men are some of the most misunderstood and invisible sexual creatures around. Our voices simply aren’t heard in popular culture, our expression largely relegated to bedrooms, the blogosphere, and fetish clubs. I am a submissive man. Not only do I receive meaning when allowed to express my submission but the way my head is wired, when I submit I get much more intense feelings of sexual arousal than I experience during vanilla sex.

What makes a man desire to submit to a powerful, dominant woman? I’m certain there are as many varied answers to that question as there are submissive men. I can’t speak for other men although I am pretty confident that there are similarities in us all when it comes to our motivation to submit. Men in many respects are given a privileged position in society, simply on the basis of our gender and as a result often enjoy positions with all sorts of power. Men often have respectably high-powered jobs. Often highly visible ones where they have the responsibility for regularly making difficult decisions that affect the lives of others, perhaps many others. They are required to maintain highly polished self-images and required to always feel in control. Constant attention must be devoted to advancing his independence, his responsibility, and his success.

But for many of us, our dirty little secret is that so many of us long to be stripped of power, to be tied down, gagged, spanked, taken, and owned, by an assertive, dominant woman. We want to be made to do a woman’s bidding, in whatever way she finds meaningful and satisfying. For me submission offers the ultimate break from the thoroughly modern stresses on the self. If only for a little while, submission allows me to escape the burdens of manliness while being “ordered” to serve in various ways and yes, at times made to do all the naughty things I often fantasize about. Succinctly put, submission allows me to escape an awareness of self.

Why would anyone want to escape awareness of the self? Because while a self is a handy, even a necessary thing to have, it's also very needy. It requires constant upkeep and maintenance. You have to work hard just to maintain a positive self-image or “to be in control.” Modern Western culture places enormous and unprecedented demands on individual selfhood. The self is an unending project, throughout life, that constantly needs to be built up and defended. It has to prove capable, autonomous and attractive, along with everything else. As such it is a source of stress, worry and pressure. So how does one take a break from self? How does self take a holiday?

For submissive men, we take a break from self whenever we act out our fantasies of sexual domination and submission. Often this involves turning to rituals of sadomasochism with our own partners or turning to specially hired ones (professional dominatrices) and we happily become “slaves” to our submissive desires. Men who crave the company of a dominant woman find her in wives, girlfriends, or in a professional dominatrix, sometimes bringing out the kinky tendencies of their partners and other times tapping into what’s already there and well developed. Some may desire to be tied up, handcuffed, gagged, or bound in uncomfortable positions. Others may desire to be whipped or tormented with droplets of hot wax on bare skin or may long to receive an old-fashioned, bare-bottom, over-the-knee spanking. And still others may desire to be embarrassed, verbally insulted, given commands, made to walk on all fours like a dog, or displayed naked in front of others who are fully clothed. All of these things share a common theme, escape from self. Self takes a holiday as men voluntarily relinquish the top spot, the tables are turned and men become for once the hunted rather than the hunter.

The flipside is that any woman who can lure a submissive man into her lair quickly learns just how valuable a prize she’s gotten and will surely want to keep him happy. Many already know they enjoy this reversal of roles and receive satisfaction in controlling every aspect of their man right down to his sexuality. By literally putting her foot down, upon him, she can demand his servitude and by so doing commands his sincere respect, adoration and worship of her assertive femininity, making him, molding him perfectly into everything she desires in a partner. I think there are many other women, who have yet to experience the inherent delights of commandeering the body of a man, ordering him to humiliate himself for her pleasure, leaving him tied up, helpless and horny, and leaving her mark upon him, both literally and figuratively, but who would find it very satisfying if only they would engage and embrace their dominant sides. If these words resonate with you, making you long for a man you can grab by the scruff of his neck, or order to his knees, or simply allow you to control him with one fierce, all-knowing look, then having a submissive man is for you. Go ahead, say the words out loud: “Yes, I’m a dominant woman.” Wherever your submissive man is, he will hear you.

Submissive men are not really out to ditch their selves. They simply want the fantasy of shedding their own identity, with its autonomy and responsibility, by submitting entirely to the will of another, with sexual pleasure thrown into the bargain, because it's a great reinforcer of submissive acts. There is no clearer way to shed an identity than by changing gender roles. When a man willingly engages in the power transfer with a woman and he assumes the submissive role while she assumes the dominant one, it permits them both to shed their normal selves. Self takes a holiday and this can be a delightful experience for both.