Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dominant woman looking for a submissive?

Recent craigslist ad…

"I am in my mid-twenties, and seeking a partner. I want a best friend, a provider, and a lover all in one person. I want this man to be a masculine alpha. He should be well-groomed, in-shape, tall, and intellectual. He need not take the world seriously, but be a lover of philosophy. He must be spiritual. He must aim to succeed in his career, but value leisure. He must want to have children. He must be stoic in public, but seek to be overwhelmed by my femininity in private. I want a man who is dominant in public, but submissive in private. I want to be in control in bed most of the time. I want to tell him when we can screw. I want him to beg for it. After I deny sex to him for long enough, I want him to overpower me."

Here is a big problem for submissive men I find with craigslist and even some of the more overtly D/s dating sites. Every person has a right to seek happiness in their own way and to be the person they are, but I feel that this woman was a bit disingenuous by advertising herself as a “dominant woman seeking a submissive.” Isn’t there sort of a dichotomy between wanting a man who is “submissive in private” but needs to be willing after being denied sex “long enough” to “overpower” her? All women whether vanilla or dominant make the decision about when and whether a man will be having sex with them, so that part is not really dominance in the sense of D/s, it is just how life is. I won’t go so far as to say this woman is intentionally engaging in deception, as she may very well simply be confused about what she wants or like so many people simply is victim to unrealistic expectations as far as a relationship partner. Her “shopping list” does seem to trend towards perfection; in-shape (i.e. ripped abs), tall (What’s that all about? I see women who stand just over five feet tall who insist on a man over six feet?), intellectual (buff and athletic but smart), successful career (moneyed), dominant in public but passive at home (except for “taking” her sexually that is!). She really seems to just be looking for a typical “white picket fence” vanilla kind of relationship as long as the successful candidate is not a “control freak” and is also willing to allow her to decide when they “screw”.

It’s almost a lead pipe cinch that many sincere submissive men responded to this advertisement as too often we do that with every advertisement that features the words “dominant woman.” We need to learn that all dominant women are not created equally and some people use that word to mean something other than what we understand it to mean. This advertisement and the many like them is the reason I no longer waste time perusing craigslist and as a result I am sure that authentic, sincere dominant women get overlooked. It is also one reason why actual dominant women and actual submissive men finding each other is really harder than it should have to be. With respect to advertisement sites like craigslist, after a while it gets tedious when one must shovel through pile after pile of horse manure in hopes of finding the occasional pearl. Between the confused, the disingenuous, and the professional Dommes who don’t bother to tell you that part upfront, for a submissive man who is seeking a real relationship, craigslist and the like is in my opinion a big waste of time. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if there was a test we could give; dominants to submissives and submissives to dominants that would give us an iron clad guarantee of authenticity? Yes, I know, that would be utopia and there is no such thing.


Laura said...

"Wouldn’t it be so much easier if there was a test we could give; dominants to submissives and submissives to dominants that would give us an iron clad guarantee of authenticity? Yes, I know, that would be utopia and there is no such thing."

You should design such a test. I did a google search of Personality Tests... there are so many out there. There should be a way to ask the questions to determine what you are looking for. Okay... may not be scientific, but if you had all those who were sincerely submissive and those definitely dominant take it, I bet trends would be immediately obvious. Maybe with enough tweaking you might have a new website to point people to of you own making. You could be doing good for our world.

It would be a fun thing to try anyway.


joe said...


I do appreciate your faith in me but am not sure my course in Psych 101 many years ago as a college freshman qualifies me to create and then interpret a personality test of the type needed. :) Still, I do wish such a test existed. I am familiar with those you mentioned and they are not exactly of Briggs-Meyer quality but they are fun to take and see how one scores. I will continue to search though and actually think there might be a test already available that could be used by putting effort into correlating dominant and submissive traits with personality factors identified through the test. Maybe I could possibly manage to do that much. Thank you for your comment!


Anonymous said...

I would take that test!

Anonymous said...

I am very interested in exploring my submissive self. I would very much like to find a Dominant Female willing to work with me. I am sick and tired of all the misleading sites and advertisements that I have tried out. If anyone can help me (female or male) personally or by sending me to the right site I would really appreciate it. Any legitimate help would really be helpful and I would be extremely grateful.

Anonymous said...

I here ya