The paradox of the strong and submissive man

Let me just start by saying that as a man who has over the past couple of months I think truly begun to emerge as a submissive man, it has been a real pleasure for me to learn that so many other men share this nature. I have found many wonderfully written and truly inspiring blogs written by other submissive men. Yet occasionally, I still find those from the “dark side” where I cringe while reading things like “The male is naturally the dominant partner, while the female is naturally submissive.” I often find myself wondering what my many wonderful dominant female friends would say to that idea. Actually, I think I probably already know the answer. It is not that I believe my perspective is the only right way to live and love. It's just the way I’d prefer to live and love. I know that there are dominant men and there are submissive females, who feel their respective natures just as intensely and want to express them just as much as I and of course there is nothing wrong with that. I just think it is important to understand and be honest about one's own nature and then to find a partner, who complements you in their own nature, needs and desires. For me of course, that would be a confident, assertive and dominant woman.

For me there is a paradox at play, a contradiction in truest sense of the word, in being a submissive man. I consider myself to be strong and firmly “masculine” with respect to my gender identification. While I myself am accepting of those men who view themselves as dominant and wish to fill that role in their relationships with submissive females, I ask only that they try to understand and respect my submissive male world view. Too often I read that submissive men are not behaving properly, that they are confused or living in denial by rejecting the notion that to be male means one is naturally dominant and should only seek relationships with submissive females so that he can assume the dominant role. I feel it is my inalienable right to choose to live and behave as a masculine male in other aspects of my life but choose to submit relationally. In so doing I am only being honest with myself and attempting to understand who I am as a person. This in no way means I am unmanly, weak, spineless, or abnormal. Yet perhaps it is the paradox that keeps some people from being able to understand and accept the fact that a man can be at the same time, both submissive and strong.

The nature of this paradox is this; it is my real nature to be a strong, independent and, at times, even commanding force in much of my life, while also possessing a genuine and expressive submissive side that I wish to share with a trusted dominant female partner. It is not that the strong, independent, commanding side of me is some kind of an act, or that I am just “acting masculine” for the outside world. It is simply who I am as a person and my submissive side does nothing to change that.

Both sides of me are equally me and each side I think makes positive contributions to the total person I am. The strong, independent side helps me to grow and gives me the courage to explore. But my submissive side, the part of me that will always be playful, loving and childlike to some degree needs the reassurance of having a stronger, dominant force there to nurture and guide me, helping to give the masculine, independent side of me strength.

Human nature being what it is I do not believe we were designed to be able to meet all of our own needs. However independent any of us may be, we are truly social animals, and it is important to understand and consider that. When two complimentary personalities join together in a relationship, the relationship helps make both stronger.

Now how does this play out for me? I certainly do have a vulnerable side and this I believe is the part of me that longs to be taken care of by a dominant female. It also I think explains my need to submit, to let go with someone I deeply trust and admire. By submitting relationally I can be even more fully the man that I am the rest of the time.

Though something of a cliché these days, I define that part of me that wishes to be vulnerable as my “inner child”. Just as is the case with actual children, no child responds positively to abuse, but I do I believe responds much more favorably to a hands-on, dominant parenting style than to a less involved, less dominating style. Although as a child I never really enjoyed being spanked by my parents, I responded very well to knowing that there was always a very firm hand to guide and discipline me whenever I stumbled and failed to live up to expectations. For me I believe that the spankings I endured were given out of love and concern for my well being and while I was firmly disciplined I was never abused. Those times of correction and discipline were always followed up with much parental love and affirmation. I was always made to understand that it wasn’t me who was being disapproved of, but only my behavior which provoked the correction. The discipline I experienced as a child, helped to provide boundaries for me, without which I would have felt lost and neglected. In many respects, the same sort of boundaries is what I desire and would benefit from in a relationship with a dominant woman.

The Power of Nudity

To me one of the most interesting and powerful aspects of submission is the incorporation of forced nudity into the dynamics of a female led relationship. I am not a nudist or naturalist so prior to my initiation into the D/s scene, being unclothed is something that had always been reserved for times when I was changing clothes to prepare for a different activity, bathing or having sex. Pretty much the rest of my life has involved wearing clothing.

Nudity is closely associated with sexuality in our culture and from childhood most of us were taught that a significant level of body modesty is expected. In an effort to impart the importance of modesty, for many of us our parents perhaps unintentionally also managed to condition us to associate feelings of shame with nudity. As a result nudity for me except under very narrowly defined conditions is a pretty uncomfortable experience. One euphemism for the embarrassing state of nakedness is “exposed” and in times past I have felt exposed and embarrassed in situations where I was is involuntarily caught undressed.

Once each week, my Mistress requires me to complete a standard ritual and as a part of that ritual I must be completely naked, wearing only the collar that symbolizes her ownership and control. While albeit not quite as intense an experience as it would be if I had to perform the ritualized nudity in her actual presence, still this requirement for complete nudity does produce some pretty powerful feelings for me, most notably, feelings of vulnerability and exposure. Because of the feelings I experience when forced to be naked I do have a clear understanding of why forced nudity is an integral part of the dominance/submissive experience.

Forced nudity is a means of subjugation, and one person’s subjugation is another’s empowerment. Forced nudity produces feelings of humiliation and humiliation is as a tool that serves to emphasize a submissive’s sense of being controlled. While our society has conditioned us through art and media feel okay with the idea of nude women we as men get a little nervous about the idea of nude men. According to Elayne Rapping, a professor of women's studies and media studies at the State University of New York, Buffalo, depictions of fully clothed men with nude women in classic paintings has been occurring since the 17th and 18th centuries. In modern times, full frontal nudity of females has also become a norm even in mainstream films. It seems normal for women to parade around au naturel, but men just don’t. Exposing our male "secret parts" as a result seems abnormal or taboo as this is just not as routine to us as is female nudity. In aboriginal cultures where nudity is commonplace and accepted, men still generally cover their genitals because as all men have had to occasion to learn at some point, due to the exposed nature of our genitals, covering them protects them from harm. To have our genitals completely uncovered and exposed caused us intense feelings of vulnerability.

Another issue I think that forced nudity causes for us as men is to reveal his private parts, a man is reduced to the position that women have traditionally been reduced to as a part of patriarchal society’s oppression which is to be examined, to be judged and that's a scary thing for men. When a man is flaccid it's not a very virile thing. When a man is sexualized or objectified through forced nudity it calls into question the whole “male dominance” idea we have been conditioned to accept. Also, for many men, physical modesty is the last shred of pride as clothing protects us from intimate scrutiny. Clothing expresses and symbolizes authority and dominance, so when we are forced to be naked by our female partner it powerfully “puts us in our place” and reminds us of our submission. Since ancient times, ritualized, ceremonial nudity has been evidence of a submission, resignation, an appeal for forgiveness and a sign of respect for our betters.

The idea of nudity and the notion of vulnerability apply in various absences of clothing and degrees of exposing the bare skin of intimate parts. Thus we can feel naked without being completely nude, as when female dominants require men to dress only in female panties. This submissive “uniform” can produce in us the same feelings of humiliation, exposure and vulnerability as when we are made to be completely naked. Nakedness (full or partial) is also often used as a part of a corporal punishment (spanking) to enhance the feelings of imposed humiliation. There is something very submissive about having to be partially or completely nude for a punishment and it causes men to feel their submission so much more completely than the spanking alone can do.

Nudity like submission shares an important commonality, exposure. When we acquiesce to forced nudity at the hands of a dominant, we reveal a lot more about ourselves than simply our exposed body parts, we reveal our submission. Through the forced or mandatory condition of being without clothes, we humble ourselves before our Mistress. This gives us an understanding of humiliation and its place in D/s relationships, the word “humiliation” comes from the word “humility”. The feelings of vulnerability that nakedness can produce should not be underestimated. The experience of forced nakedness triggers our submission. The mere fact that a woman is exerting this degree of control translates into something sexual. In our society, the sexual arena is typically ruled by the males of our species but now it becomes the place of power for the female. The female, once thought of as the “weaker sex” becomes the stronger of the two. A mutual exchange of power takes place. Our maleness becomes her tool by which to exert her own special brand of control over us. Our masculinity is mocked. The dominant female recognizes and uses this place as her pedestal in which to stand above us. It is from this vantage point that she can begin to exert her control over us. We give this to her willingly. Humiliation and objectification are often closely entwined; through the use of forced nudity the female makes the case for; “I own you, so then I can do whatever I please with you.” Being humiliated, even mildly, acts as a reinforcement of our submissive position. The mere act of being naked, and knowing the reason for being naked is to provide our dominant female partner full access to any part of us, whenever she desires and she doesn't even have to be physically present. Our nakedness is still a reminder that we belong to her and of the pleasure that comes in serving her.

The idea of obediently kneeling naked, exposed, and vulnerable in the presence of a fully clothed, dominant female turns me on to no end. A part of that is the idea of being subjected to the scrutiny and evaluation of a woman with complete control over me. Naked and on my knees is a good position, completely silent as I await her commands. I enjoy the feeling of powerlessness and defenselessness evoked from being nude in front of or for the benefit of my Mistress. My submission naturally grows from that and I wish to take it to its full level until I am stripped of all my inhibitions and feel her ownership of me completely.

Naked, exposed, vulnerable

Each Sunday Mistress requires that I perform what she terms my “Sunday Mantra.” This activity must be performed in a certain way at a specific time and place and follows a prescribed decorum. Briefly I am required to kneel while completely naked, wearing only my collar for a period of time each Sunday. During this period of time I am to contemplate a topic which my Mistress selects and assigns to me each week. After thinking and meditating on the assigned topic then I am then required to report to her my impressions and how I see the topic under consideration applying to my submissive nature and my role as her submissive companion. This ritual contains two elements that strongly trigger my submissive response, the requirement that I present myself completely naked and that I assume a kneeling position.

As adults we predominantly spend our time clothed to some degree or other unless we are preparing for bed, preparing to shower or bathe or preparing to have sex. Because of the fact that being naked is not our normal state is in my opinion why being required to present myself naked to Mistress acts as such a powerful trigger in causing me to express my submission to her. I feel utterly exposed and extremely vulnerable. Being naked is a turn on mentally as well as physically. The mere act of being naked causes me to focus on the fact that the reason for me being naked is to provide my Mistress full access to any part of me she desires whenever she desires. My Mistress isn’t required to be physically present for the nakedness to be meaningful or for the exposed and vulnerable feelings to be significant and intense for me. It is still a reminder that I belong to her and of the pleasure of serving her and pleasing her as best I can. A reminder that I have chosen freely and willing to always be available ready to provide her with what she wants when she wants it.

Kneeling is the ultimate posture of submission and surrender. While kneeling before my Mistress, legs spread, back straight, hands on my knees palms up, head raised and eyes lowered, I indicate by bodily attitude, a total submission of not only my body but also my mind, will and heart to her control. It is an exterior manifestation of the reverence inspired by her domination and my complete submission and devotion to her. This simple act of surrender solidifies on a frequent and repetitive basis her authority over me. The physical dynamic of an assertive, dominant woman commanding me to assume this subservient posture position while nude provokes for me a powerfully satisfying sense of purpose and destiny. The act of kneeling before my Mistress and demonstrating my submissive personality provokes deeply satisfying feelings of place and purpose.

The Sunday mantra has the greatest effect in helping me maintain my submissive focus. More than any other aspect of my submission or of any other type of service I may perform. Maybe because it provides both the satisfaction of serving and the pleasure of being able to fulfill her needs and desires. I love the feeling of extreme vulnerability and though naked and exposed I feel no fear just calming peace, every nerve, and every cell tingling with excitement.