My Continued Evolution as a Feminist

Feminism is a concept that for many holds a very negative connotation. There is for example the stereotype that comes to the minds of many whenever they hear the term of angry, hairy, man-hating lesbians. The man-hating part I think is predominantly a myth constructed in order to foster a negative view of feminism and to promote the idea that feminism is actually nothing more than reverse sexism. It's also partly the fault of women who go around saying things like, "All men are bastards," which frankly is usually because they only go out with bastards. In general the myth has little if anything to do with feminism. I’m sure that there are women who hate men and probably for good reason but being a feminist does not per se imply a hatred or rejection of men.

In general feminism is both an intellectual commitment and a political movement that seeks justice for women and the end of sexism in all forms. As with any political movement, there are extremes and some women who identify with the feminist movement have some pretty radical and extremist views. Like many groups who have historically suffered discrimination, exploitation and victimization, I think it only natural that some women might feel that after thousands of years of oppression it is high time that they were on top of the food chain and held the position of supreme gender. Yet female supremacy is not really mainstream feminism which seeks not supremacy but simply equality and freedom from gender based discrimination.

I believe women and men must share a common understanding and a basic knowledge of what feminism is and what it is about if it is ever to be a powerful mass-based political movement. By defining feminism broadly as a movement to end sexism and sexist oppression both women and men could work toward a common and what I believe to be a desirable goal.

There are two basic underlying tenants of feminism; 1) men and women are entitled to equal rights and respect, and 2) women are currently disadvantaged with respect to rights and respect, compared with men. While it is true that in recent years progress has been made and women are in a somewhat more advantageous position than in times past, to say that in all cases women are treated with equal rights and respect and enjoy all of the same advantages as men would be naïve. There are still many jobs in the workplace where women and men perform essentially the same tasks or very comparable ones and yet men receive higher salaries. There remain in certain occupations “glass ceilings” which preclude women from the same promotional opportunities enjoyed by men. While especially in the last decade, certain careers that traditionally excluded women altogether or at least severely curtailed equal opportunities have been opened to women, yet it is relatively easy to find examples within those same career fields where qualification standards still exist with the unmistakable design of discouraging or preventing women from applying for or advancing in them. Any fair minded person would not be able to deny that discrimination against a person based simply on gender is just wrong.

In addition to discrimination, women are also subjected to other forms of oppression simply because they are women. For example, Iris Young, author and former Professor of Political Science at the University of Chicago, affiliated with the Center for Gender Studies describes five “faces” of oppression: exploitation, marginalization, powerlessness, cultural imperialism, and systematic violence. Oppression exists where women, and those who appear to be women, are subjected to wrongs and/or injustices at least in part because they are or appear to be women.

One of the most insidious forms of exploitation in my opinion is the sexual objectification of women. Sexual objectification occurs when a person is seen as a sexual object and their sexual attributes and physical attractiveness are separated from the rest of their personality and existence as an individual. They are reduced to instruments of pleasure for another person. The concept of female sexual objectification plays an important role in the inequality of the sexes. When a woman is subjected to sexual objectification she is often figuratively dismembered by men and instead of being viewed as a person, with feelings, needs, hopes, dreams, fears and valid opinions, she is instead viewed as a pair of shapely legs, a pair of breasts, an ass or a vagina; and all of those parts viewed solely in terms of their usefulness for the sexual gratification of men. In its most extreme form, sexual objectification results in victimization – rape and physical assault. Objectification of people makes violence against them seem acceptable and legitimate. To understand objectification, simply contemplate how American soldiers viewed adversaries throughout the history of our armed conflicts; in the Civil War Confederates were seen as “Rebs” and Unionists were seen as “Yankees” – in World War II Germans were “Nazis” and Japanense were “Japs” – in Vietnam, Vietnamese were “Gooks” and in the Middle East wars, Arabs were often referred to as “Rag Heads”. It is always easier to commit violence against another once that person has been de-personalized and reduced to an object. Sexual objectification has also resulted in a myriad of debilitating issues for women. Many women suffer from extreme body image dissatisfaction because they are constantly bombarded with images of thin, busty, beautiful and flawless, air-brushed and unrealistic images of females portrayed by the media and in film. This has resulted in eating disorders on almost an epidemic scale as well as unhealthy diet regimens, unprecedented demand for cosmetic plastic surgeries and depressive disorders. Clearly, sexual objectification is one form of oppression that women are subjected to.

While I’m not a woman, I still think it very possible for me to consider myself a feminist because I support the ideals of equal rights and respect for women and the eradication of all forms of sexism. As I’ve said before, I feel submissive men and feminists are natural allies in the sense we do share a common views and beliefs about equal rights and gender roles that are diametrically opposed to those held by patriarchal society. I think submissive men should not be silent, but should stand up and be counted as supporters of women and champions of feminist ideals.

Fire, Ice and Everything Nice…Meet Kitten

One of Kitten’s talents lies with her ability to be absolute, honest, raw, never equivocal, supercilious, or acquiescent. That ability ensures that her blog, Kitten with a Whip; maintains a feeling of utter believability throughout as well as a compelling read as she maintains an honest conversation with the reader. Kitten paints a poignant, frank picture of life as an enlightened dominant woman and offers tantalizing and vivid morsels of her views on relationships and life in general.

Intelligent, open and welcoming, Kitten was an interesting and fun person to spend time interviewing, impressing me as a woman who is honest, ambitious and inspirational and someone I think you should know more about.

As you read Kitten with a Whip, you feel, in part, that Kitten has handed you her personal diary and said, “Here, this explains a little more about me, the rest I don’t know either”. Her writing style is open and forged in the likeness of a poignant memoir that foregoes any self-glorifying justifications or self-serving moral truisms. She grabs your attention and pulls you into her world and wraps you unconditionally in her captivating prose that is both compelling and engaging. She exudes both passion (the fire) and confidence (the ice) and as I learned during the interview, possesses a wealth of other charming personal attributes as well.

Beyond the fact that I’m captivated by her blog entries, Kitten was a natural choice as a woman I wished to interview because while you quickly see that she is authentically dominant, her approach to dominance is not from the usual perspective of kink or formalized power exchange relationships. In fact with regards to kink, Kitten frankly explains, “In my twenties I had a list of the sexual things I wanted to do and I’ve done all but one. I guess I’ve tried most things (positions, threesomes, toys, phone sex, computer sex, porn, etc.) and have come full circle to the place that I like the simple things: me and the man I’m hot for and only our bodily fluids. No toys. Nothing but us. I’m not kinky. At all.”

When asked about her striking positive self-image, her obvious confidence and self assured manner, which are both quite sexy and appealing, she responded, “I am a very vibrant, smiley, look-you-in-the-eyes, direct yet gracious, well-mannered, genuine and empowering all in one. I know that I make people feel good about themselves; it’s my natural given nature. I am confident and always have been (since a young girl); of course, I have my insecurities, too! My childhood was good but I was not the happiest person on the planet. It wasn’t until later in life that I really got happy and content. My true nature is one of glass half full. I’ve been told that as a young girl I was confident, opinionated, and questioned adults on a regular basis. Apparently I was a bit ahead of my time.”

I asked Kitten to explain what she attributed to her rather remarkable ability to be so open and frank about her own personal sexual feelings and expression and she replied by saying, “When I was 18-19 and beginning to explore sex and men, I could barely say the word ‘vagina’ let alone ‘pussy.’ (gasp!) It took a few years and some rather earthy men to get me over my shyness in that area. I fought hard to say pussy, cunt, cock, dick, etc. so I proudly use them in the bedroom. I’m a lady outside of it, though, and don’t use those terms or profanity (rarely). I’m a sexual person and am just finally at the age where I am who I am. Period.”

Kitten describes herself as a political moderate and admitted that she herself has aspirations to campaign for local office. She denies any feminist leanings, openly stating, “I’m not a feminist. Never have been. I’m afraid I don’t have a good impression of feminism and have been accused of using my looks and feminine wiles to get what I want; I don’t think they want me at their party. Fine, I go hang out with the men.” With regards to the type of books she enjoys reading, Kitten revealed what she termed an “obsession” with 9/11 terrorism books (The Cell; Looming Tower) and said that “The Real Age Makeover” was another of her favorites. She also enjoys books on, “health/wellness, world order, terrorism, transportation (my geeky side) and science mysteries.” When queried about any causes, political or social that were important to her and that she was actively involved in, Kitten shared, “Supporting children in impoverished countries is something I’ve done for almost a decade.” Kitten also enjoys fitness activities like walking and water aerobics. She also stated that “I’m a dancer and dance whenever I can.”

Knowing that sex and Kitten’s views on dominance and submission would be of interest to readers, I asked her a few pointed questions related to those topics;

You once wrote, “Over these last six months I've noticed a shift in me. I see that I'm no longer just a gal that's aggressive with Vanilla guys, but realize that I'm just plain dominant. Many men over the years have commented that I'm a bit 'controlling' with regard to our relationship, and I thought it was some character flaw.. No, it's just who I am; a woman wanting to be in control of certain things. Not all.” Can you tell me what, in your mind caused you at that time to come to the understanding that you were in your words, “just plain dominant.” Was is some sort of epiphany or did something happen in your life then that’s served as the catalyst?

“First it was a submissive man I’d met a few years ago. He was far too submissive for me, though; more of a 24/7 sort of guy. My interest in this subject really took off due to some comments made by Eleven.” (Note: “Eleven is a pseudonym Kitten uses in her blog to refer to a close male friend for whom she feels an admitted romantic and sexual attraction.)

Often you state that what you want in a man, I’m assuming you mean as far as a relationship partner, is an alpha male but one with a submissive streak in private. Are you talking here mostly about sexually or would you want a man to submit to you in other ways as well? In what kind of ways do you envision a man submitting to you?

“Primarily only in sexual ways. I am not looking for a man to parade around in my panties, crawl around after me, call me Mistress Kitten to ask permission to take a bite of food, or to wear a collar. It boils down to my being comfortable with who I am, able to speak out about what I want, and to take physical charge if I want to.”

Many times women who find themselves most attracted to the “alpha male” type don’t view submissive men as viable potential romantic relationship partners. When I say “submissive men” what comes to come with you? How would you define the traits and attributes of a submissive man?

“Well, to be honest, before diving in to the world of D/s I did have an impression of submissive men being on the milquetoast side, which does not appeal to me. Neither does a ‘good old boy’ azzhole who needs to brutalize others to feel big, etc. I like men who are naturally confident and take charge, but in positive ways.”

Many dominant women, albeit those with more the flavor of BDSM or D/s types, often tell me they insist on having their men wear female panties. Some have even told me they find a man wearing female panties to be very sexy, but primarily they explain that their purpose, especially with very masculine males, is to use this as a means of “putting him in his place” and reminding him of their respective roles in the relationship. Is this something you could see yourself requiring a man to do? Please tell me a little about your opinion on this?

“This wearing my panties thing creeps me out. Period. I can put a man in his place with my sharp tongue (I can be sarcastic), forceful presence, or sexual acts (tie him up, fellatio, etc.). Wearing my panties would make me think I was with another chick.”

In one post you wrote, “For years I swaggered around confident in my oral skills having brought many men to their knees. I thought it was part of my aggressiveness.” Is giving a man oral sex something you still feel like is something you would be willing to do? Is it something you enjoyed on a personally erotic level or was it primarily a means of bringing the man under your control? Does in your opinion giving a man oral sex have a role to play in a relationship between a dominant female and either less dominant or submissive male?

“I love cock. The way it looks, smells and tastes. Get a hard one near me and my mouth starts to water. I enjoy giving head for the man’s pleasure, my pleasure, and the absolute power it gave me. It definitely comes in to the D/s relationship for those reasons. I don’t feel that the man should withhold from pleasure; why not be his dream woman and give him access to all of the tools in your toolbox??”

In the same post I just quoted from, you went on to say, “Perhaps I didn't give enough importance to the oral I was getting. Different story now as it's all about me and my pussy.” If you were in an intimate relationship now, can you envision yourself simply demanding respectful oral service from your man whenever the mood struck or would you be more subtle techniques to get what you wanted?

“Would ‘eat my pussy, now’ be direct enough?”

One more question on oral and then we will move on because frankly when I think about giving a woman oral sex it gets extremely hard for me to concentrate on anything else (laughing). From your past experiences, what is the longest uninterrupted period a man has given you oral sex? What specific things or techniques in your experience made oral most pleasurable for you? Finally, what are some short comings you have noticed with regards to men and there inability to satisfy a woman orally?

“Thirty minutes is probably the longest. Sucks to be me, eh? What turns me on is a man that LOVES to give oral and tears off my clothes to get at my pussy. Gawd!!!!!!!!!! Then if he goes ape while doing it (noisy, slurping, sucking, licking NOISILY) I’m driven insane by it. What I don’t like is a PRISSY guy that isn’t having any fun. Why bother? I could just masturbate and go get some ice cream.”

When it comes to penetrative sex which I understand you are a fan of, what is your most favorite position? Is there any sexual position you just hate and won’t consider?

“I love being on top and being bent over the couch. I don’t enjoy anal. Not interested in using a strap on to fuck a man either.”

I was very surprised when I read your recent post titled, “Oh Dear…Do I need a spankie??!” Please tell what you were thinking as you wrote that post. Was it tongue in cheek or do you see yourself actually allowing a man to give you an erotic spanking? If you actually would, how do you feel that would square with your expressed feelings about submitting to a man?

“I have no interest in being spanked formally, but do like a playful swat on the ass once in a while just in passing. What really turned me on in that ad was that he described pulling down her panties (big turn on for me) and inserting his fingers after spreading her legs (another). I like to be man-handled like that and appreciate a man that will let his hands roam. I’m not shy and don’t like my man to be either. Though my real life experiences are Kitten-led, I do like the fantasy (in my head) of being a ‘naughty girl’ and ‘getting in to trouble’ for something I’ve done. Some of my fantasies are definitely topping from the bottom; I know that by doing X I will get in ‘trouble’ which will ultimately lead to my fulfillment (and his).”

You seem to have rather eclectic tastes in some respects to men you find attractive at least based on some of your more recent blog posts. Can you name five things, attributes or traits that are definitely “must haves” for you when it comes to men? How about three things, traits or attributes that are a big turn-off for you when it comes to men?

“I’ll start with my dream man (dream being the key word): 6’4”, black hair, green eyes, big thighs. Sort of like Ray Stevenson the actor from HBO’s Rome. (licking lips).
As for reality: tall is important (I’m 5’8” and in heels I’m almost 6’0” tall); I also like broad shoulders. Dark hair. Dental hygiene is big for some reason. I’m kind of fussy in that respect. Not too slender. I like meat. Turn offs: smoking, poor general and dental hygiene, foul-mouthed 24/7, poor manners.”

Relationship wise, where do you see yourself being in 10 years? Where would you like being then relationally?

“Married and getting ready to semi-retire.”

When asked about other interests, Kitten shared that she really loves nature and enjoys being outside to relish the natural beauty, loves to do day hikes but isn’t really a fan of primitive type camping. She stated that she loves to travel revealing that she has a love for transportation and maps and geography, and wishes to travel more. With regards to locations, New York City and Washington, D.C. are places she wants to visit again and is interested in visiting Europe. She says that she enjoys train travel and hopes to hop on Amtrak in June.

In response to my question about what prompted her to begin her blog and whether posting to it has accomplished her original intent when she began it, Kitten shared, “I have a lot of stuff inside and this is a nice way to get it out. I honestly didn’t think it would be read by anyone so I’ve just cut loose and said what was on my mind. I think in a year (if it’s still going) I’ll be able to look back and see if it accomplished anything.”

Please tell me how you think a close friend would describe you. What kind of person would they say Kitten is?

“Bright, dynamic, fun, loyal, feminine, strong, a leader, assertive, loving, a good listener, insightful, affectionate, sharp-tongued, goofy, sassy, flirty.”

Although, having known her only a short time, this friend has to agree that Kitten is all of those things and more. I hope you will do yourself a favor and regularly partake by reading her blog, a link to which is permanently provided on my list of favorites. You won’t be disappointed. Kitten is a joy to know, and someone I think you should know better. She does not worry that her status as a dominant woman is an external display of non-compliance with the rules that make a polite society, well, polite, but instead seems to find being on the edge of society’s watchful eye exhilarating. Definitely, speaking with her and reading her thoughts gives you the definite impression that she is quite mindful that the life she has and is creating is truly her own and not one mandated by a culture that she may sometimes feel out of step with. Being on the edge seems to allow her to lean over the precipice and look at the woman she is while remembering the woman she has been. Much of what Kitten writes involves a person defining her own needs and life. People like Kitten remind us that we need to examine our own lives and engage in a little outside the box defining ourselves.