A Reader Comments

Recently I did a follow up piece to The Submissive Male Construct and Nice Guys after receiving a thoughtful comment from a reader. The follow up piece, Revisiting: The Submissive Male Construct and Nice Guys
also drew reader comments and today I would like to focus in on one of those comments.

“As a woman, I hear a lot of men whine about not being able to find partners. This rant sounds almost exactly the same, with just a couple words changed here and there. They are all self-described "nice guys" or "submissive guys". Then they attribute the single fact that prevents them from romantic success. They ignore their choices, their personality, their lifestyle, their emotional and mental state, their cock size, their hygiene, their hair color, their dating habits, their finances - everything. If he can't find a woman to date it's because he's so "nice/submissive" and women secretly want "dominant/macho/jerks" men. Isn't that pitiful?

I have also found that there is a species of "nice guy" who seems to be remarkably emotionally manipulative. I think men can find themselves self-identifying as nice, when the truth is they are unable to assert their needs and boundaries in an honest, direct, and healthy way. When their unspoken needs are unmet, they can become passive aggressive.

This is the single most common reason I choose not to enter into relationships with "nice guys". I *like* submissive men. I do *not* like whiny passive aggressive guys reeking of desperation. I'd often rather date an honest "jerk".

(I am not trying to say that all nice/submissive men are like this. Just that there are reasons women put "nice guy" in quotes.)”

This reader does make some very valid points, points which I touched on in the original essay and in the follow up and points that were brought up in comments by other readers. Certainly there are men who wish to project themselves as nice guys, who perhaps even sincerely believe that they are nice guys, but who are as this reader states are, “emotionally manipulative”, “…unable to assert their needs and boundaries in an honest, direct, and healthy way”, and “whiny passive aggressive guys”.

From the beginning, my intent for this blog has always been to offer a forum for the open and honest exchange of opinions and ideas free from censorship which is the reason I choose not to moderate comments. Every person is unique and a product of both unique world views and opinions. People are welcome to disagree with the ideas I present here as much as they want as someone disagreeing with my ideas is never taken as a personal attack on me. In fact I value the opinions and observations of others because quite often I feel I learn something and in some instances my own opinions are sometimes changed by a well thought out and intelligent argument that proposes an alternative view. Of course in return I do reserve the right to comment on the comments with which I find myself in disagreement, and that is the reason I have chosen to address this one. The one statement I take issue with from this comment is “As a woman, I hear a lot of men whine about not being able to find partners. This rant sounds almost exactly the same, with just a couple words changed here and there.” In fairness I don’t think either essay could be fairly categorized as a “rant”. A rant at least according to Merriam-Webster is “a long angry speech or scolding” and certainly that was not my intent in writing either article. By dismissing my opinions as a “rant” I suggest the reader missed the entire point of what I have written. While she tempered her initial comments with “I am not trying to say that all nice/submissive men are like this” at the end, it seems to me that “This is the single most common reason I choose not to enter into relationships with ‘nice guys’ ” makes it rather obvious that she does in fact view all nice/submissive men in the same negative way. This makes as much sense as the argument, whales are mammals and whales live in the sea, therefore all mammals live in the sea. In the parlance of logical argument construction, this is what is called building a valid argument from false premises, and arriving at a false conclusion. Yes, whales are mammals and whales do live in the sea but that of course does not mean that all mammals live in the sea. Only some mammals do. In the same way, the argument that some men who self-identify as “nice guys” are actually manipulative, relationally dysfunctional and prone to blame others for their own short-comings, all men who self-identify as “nice guys” are manipulative, relationally dysfunctional and prone to blame others for their own short-comings, is equally false.

The true facts are quite plain, some men who self-identify as “nice guys” have some or all of the negative traits listed by the commenter, but there are in fact legitimately nice guys who do not have any of those traits. Equally true is the fact that some women ignore nice guys as potential relationship partners simply on the basis that they have a decided preference for relationships with men who are bad boy types because they find this type more interesting or challenging. I doubt very much that I would ever convince women of that type to give consideration to exploring the possibilities of a relationship with a nice guy. My only issue with such women is that quite often nice guys are more than acceptable to them as friendship material; they simply aren’t interested in having a romantic relationship with them. My intent in writing the articles was simply to appeal to women who may have held negative opinions about nice guys but don’t have a decided preference for bad boy types, to keep an open mind about the possibilities of a relationship with an authentic nice guy.

Even though I found things to disagree with in this comment, I do appreciate that this person took the time to express her opinion and I respect that a great deal. If she finds meaning in dating “honest jerks” then I see nothing wrong with that as we all have our own unique proclivities when it comes to relationship preferences.

Poll Results

The Survey by Sex and D/s Orientation poll has concluded. I am very grateful to the 102 readers who took a moment to vote in the poll and having a modest background in statistical analysis, I feel that number gives a statistically significant result. In addition as I tracked the poll daily the percentages didn’t vary significantly which gives me further confidence in the results. Here are the final tallies:

Dominant Females – 20 (19%)
Submissive Females – 4 (4%)
Switch Females – 10 (10%)
Dominant Males – 3 (3%)
Switch Males – 7 (7%)
Submissive Males – 58 (57%)

While the poll results suggest that submissive men make up the largest percentage of the readers of this blog, I was very pleased with the diversity of the overall readership which reflects every category of Sex and D/s orientation. This demographic information provides me valuable insight and will I hope help me to understand the kinds of information readers might enjoy as I continue with the blog. To further refine the reader demographics, I have posted a new poll in which readers are asked to indicate their sexual orientation and hope that you will consider responding to the latest poll.

Self Takes a Holiday

Submissive men are some of the most misunderstood and invisible sexual creatures around. Our voices simply aren’t heard in popular culture, our expression largely relegated to bedrooms, the blogosphere, and fetish clubs. I am a submissive man. Not only do I receive meaning when allowed to express my submission but the way my head is wired, when I submit I get much more intense feelings of sexual arousal than I experience during vanilla sex.

What makes a man desire to submit to a powerful, dominant woman? I’m certain there are as many varied answers to that question as there are submissive men. I can’t speak for other men although I am pretty confident that there are similarities in us all when it comes to our motivation to submit. Men in many respects are given a privileged position in society, simply on the basis of our gender and as a result often enjoy positions with all sorts of power. Men often have respectably high-powered jobs. Often highly visible ones where they have the responsibility for regularly making difficult decisions that affect the lives of others, perhaps many others. They are required to maintain highly polished self-images and required to always feel in control. Constant attention must be devoted to advancing his independence, his responsibility, and his success.

But for many of us, our dirty little secret is that so many of us long to be stripped of power, to be tied down, gagged, spanked, taken, and owned, by an assertive, dominant woman. We want to be made to do a woman’s bidding, in whatever way she finds meaningful and satisfying. For me submission offers the ultimate break from the thoroughly modern stresses on the self. If only for a little while, submission allows me to escape the burdens of manliness while being “ordered” to serve in various ways and yes, at times made to do all the naughty things I often fantasize about. Succinctly put, submission allows me to escape an awareness of self.

Why would anyone want to escape awareness of the self? Because while a self is a handy, even a necessary thing to have, it's also very needy. It requires constant upkeep and maintenance. You have to work hard just to maintain a positive self-image or “to be in control.” Modern Western culture places enormous and unprecedented demands on individual selfhood. The self is an unending project, throughout life, that constantly needs to be built up and defended. It has to prove capable, autonomous and attractive, along with everything else. As such it is a source of stress, worry and pressure. So how does one take a break from self? How does self take a holiday?

For submissive men, we take a break from self whenever we act out our fantasies of sexual domination and submission. Often this involves turning to rituals of sadomasochism with our own partners or turning to specially hired ones (professional dominatrices) and we happily become “slaves” to our submissive desires. Men who crave the company of a dominant woman find her in wives, girlfriends, or in a professional dominatrix, sometimes bringing out the kinky tendencies of their partners and other times tapping into what’s already there and well developed. Some may desire to be tied up, handcuffed, gagged, or bound in uncomfortable positions. Others may desire to be whipped or tormented with droplets of hot wax on bare skin or may long to receive an old-fashioned, bare-bottom, over-the-knee spanking. And still others may desire to be embarrassed, verbally insulted, given commands, made to walk on all fours like a dog, or displayed naked in front of others who are fully clothed. All of these things share a common theme, escape from self. Self takes a holiday as men voluntarily relinquish the top spot, the tables are turned and men become for once the hunted rather than the hunter.

The flipside is that any woman who can lure a submissive man into her lair quickly learns just how valuable a prize she’s gotten and will surely want to keep him happy. Many already know they enjoy this reversal of roles and receive satisfaction in controlling every aspect of their man right down to his sexuality. By literally putting her foot down, upon him, she can demand his servitude and by so doing commands his sincere respect, adoration and worship of her assertive femininity, making him, molding him perfectly into everything she desires in a partner. I think there are many other women, who have yet to experience the inherent delights of commandeering the body of a man, ordering him to humiliate himself for her pleasure, leaving him tied up, helpless and horny, and leaving her mark upon him, both literally and figuratively, but who would find it very satisfying if only they would engage and embrace their dominant sides. If these words resonate with you, making you long for a man you can grab by the scruff of his neck, or order to his knees, or simply allow you to control him with one fierce, all-knowing look, then having a submissive man is for you. Go ahead, say the words out loud: “Yes, I’m a dominant woman.” Wherever your submissive man is, he will hear you.

Submissive men are not really out to ditch their selves. They simply want the fantasy of shedding their own identity, with its autonomy and responsibility, by submitting entirely to the will of another, with sexual pleasure thrown into the bargain, because it's a great reinforcer of submissive acts. There is no clearer way to shed an identity than by changing gender roles. When a man willingly engages in the power transfer with a woman and he assumes the submissive role while she assumes the dominant one, it permits them both to shed their normal selves. Self takes a holiday and this can be a delightful experience for both.

Spankology

Spanking fetishism also colloquially termed spankophilia is characterized by a person becoming sexually aroused by the giving or receiving of spankings, or both. It seems to be related to, but not identical with other fetishes such as domination/submission play, bondage, sadomasochism and pygophilia (buttocks fetishism).

Generally fetishism is defined as a pathological assignment of sexual fixation, fantasies or behaviors toward an inanimate object such as an item of clothing (underclothing, high-heeled shoes, etc.) or to non-genital body parts such as the feet, but the definition also includes circumstances where a person experiences arousal from participating in activities not normally considered to be sexual in nature, like spanking.

According to psychology practitioners, there is a degree of fetishistic arousal in most “normal” individuals. Fetishistic arousal is generally considered a problem only when it interferes with normal sexual or social functioning or where sexual arousal is impossible without the object of the fetish.

While I have very limited experience with erotic spankings, I do find the concept very erotic and arousing. I have spanked two past vanilla female sexual partners both over-the-knee and in conjunction with “doggie style” sexual intercourse. Both of them later told me that they didn’t find the over-the-knee spankings particularly arousing but both did very much feel that it contributed a great deal to their arousal when experienced in conjunction with penetrative sex. From my perspective I did not find giving spankings to be arousing, beyond simply the act of touching their bare bottoms which is not surprising since I consider the female bottom to be the single most erotic female body part. Yet fantasizing about being spanked is something I do find very arousing. Since I do experience sexual arousal from any number of stimuli I would assume that spankophilia is a benign fetish for me since it is only one of many things that I find arousing. I have never received an erotic spanking but have spanked myself at the direction of a dominant woman and I did find that to be an arousing experience. I feel that for me personally, it was the domination/submission dynamics of the situations involved that was most responsible for the feelings of arousal since I am not at all very masochistic and do not generally seek out opportunities to experience pain.

There is an ongoing debate in psychology circles about why a person might enjoy and find the idea of being spanked to be arousing, either actually receiving a spanking or through fantasizing about it. Some believe it caused by the person receiving or witnessing spankings during childhood, especially around the age of puberty. This idea corresponds to classical psychology theories. According to Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, sexual deviations are developed in childhood. The basis of his theory was that children may cope with a painful or traumatic experience by “eroticizing” it. Interestingly enough, I recently read an article concerning a survey conducted in the UK where 35% of the respondents who identified themselves as persons who found spanking to be erotic and sexually arousing, stated that they had never been spanked or witnessed a spanking, which seems to indicate rather clearly, that the Freud’s theory doesn’t provide an all inclusive explanation.

Another theory is that some people find spanking to be arousing because of the fact that physical pain is known to cause an endorphin rush for some individuals which causes spanking to be a pleasant experience, comparable to the effects of certain drugs. If the person is spanked hard and frequently (resulting in frequent and intense endorphin rushes) they may become “addicted” to spankings. Over time they come to associate spankings with not only pleasant but erotic feelings. Again not all submissives are masochistic, and so this theory to has its inherent limitations.

Thus far we have considered only erotic spankings, spankings used for the purpose of sexual play. With regards to submissive men and female led relationships, there is also disciplinary spanking. As a submissive man I find the idea of being spanked by a dominant female partner to be a normal and beneficial part of a female led relationship. Like anyone else I am at time prone to make mistakes and need correction. I need to be held accountable and a spanking could provide that accountability. If I failed in some way towards her by say being inadvertently inconsiderate or disrespectful to her or by failing by design or neglect to perform some assigned task, then I feel I would be most deserving of a spanking which would be a very practical means of making amends. As the dominant partner, she certainly would have the right to choose the kind of amends based on the nature of my offense that she felt best addressed and corrected the problem and if she chose to spank me over say simply accepting my heartfelt and sincere apology, then of course I would willingly submit to her decision. While this kind of spanking would not be enjoyable or pleasurable I doubt it would be sexually arousing either. In fact I have read numerous accounts from dominant women who regularly spank their submissive male partners in which all agreed, when done correctly, it is not at all a pleasant experience for the man and is very effective in eliminating the offending behaviors that precipitated the spankings.

I think disciplinary spanking appeals to me with respect to female led relationships on two levels. First, submitting to being spanked would provide a very strong image of her dominance over me and my submission to her. Second, being spanked would allow me to pay for my transgression in a tangible way which would make me feel better about the situation and would allow us to put the affront behind us and in the past so that we could go forward with my behavior appropriately modified. I would also love to experience the erotic variety as well, just to learn what the effects were with regard to arousal.

Sugasm #132

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #133? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Fuck The Pope.
“The Church would have you believe that abstinence should be sufficient.”

Good Boy
“Despite my outward appearance, I still felt sexy as hell knowing what was underneath those misleading garments.”

May Masturbation Challenge: Progress Report day 10
“At the Dee & Apollo household, it’s early on Day 10 of the May Masturbation Challenge.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself (one from the vaults)
The US Constitution Erotic Coloring Book

Editor’s Choice
UK Criminal Justice Bill Clause 63 - but what is “extreme”? - A Beginners Guide

More Sugasm
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