How about a little tolerance

While not what I was planning to write about today, a blog I happened to come across changed my mind. I won’t name it as there is really no point to that, and of course the owner has the same right as I or anyone else to express personal opinion. Suffice it to say, I found it to be the typical patriarchal stereotypical view of the “appropriate” female and male roles. There was the obligatory claims of course that the site neither promoted “patriarchal views” nor “stereotypical roles” but what I think was a fair sampling of the articles published, all neatly fit into the categories of…

• Dominant males and submissive females is the “natural order.”


• No woman really wants a passive (read that submissive) man.


• All women “want” to be dominated by their male partner even if they don’t immediately realize it and simply need a little “reeducation”.

In other words, the typical patriarchal views that men have always been and always should be the dominant partners and the leaders of relationships and that any alternative is unnatural…blah…blah…blah.

Relationships should not be about the enactment and legalistic observance of stereotypical roles based solely on a person’s gender. If we are ever going to experience progress, growth and enlightenment in the human experience, at some point those antiquated ideas must be consigned to the rubbish bin where they belong. Relationships need to start being defined by the needs, desires, goals and dreams of the persons involved not by following some lock-step role expectation imposed by some arrogant, know-it-all group who is hell bent on maintaining the status quo. Personally I favor a more matriarchal society because it happens to fit my submissive male paradigm much more efficiently than the patriarchal alternative. Yet I can offer that as personal opinion without making a statement that anyone who disagrees is ignorant, lacks understanding, is abnormal or just plain wrong. Two people embarking on a relationship in my opinion are the only one’s with opinions that need to be considered as far as that relationship goes and should be able to decide on their own what they wish their relationship to look like without any fear of condemnation from those who don’t happen to see things from the same perspective.

It seems to me at least that when a relationship begins, in starts with two people being more or less on an equal footing. As time passes and they grow more deeply and intimately acquainted, learn each other’s strengths, weaknesses, needs and desires, a dominant personality emerges. It just seems to me common sense that the dominant personalities become the leader. I do think it normal and natural for one person to assume the leadership role in a relationship just as it is normal, natural and needful in any human endeavor. It seems impossible for a relationship to operate as a democracy with each person having an equal vote. Because if that be the case, what happens when each person has an opinion that is exactly the opposite of the other? The result is a tie and by definition inactivity. Even in a democracy, whether it is a government, a corporation or other collective entity, someone always has the power to cast a deciding vote, Otherwise you end up with the entity being ruled by committee and nothing gets accomplished.

How two individuals choose to interact inside a relationship is no one’s business but their own. Expectations that individuals must behave according to some preconceived, gender based, stereotypical role is simply ridiculous. You don't have to take any notice of someone else’s “rules for behavior” or definition of “femininity” or “masculinity” or anyone else's idea of what or how you should be. You don't have to feel abnormal or weird just because you choose not to surrender your freedom of choice to those who think it is their way or the highway. You are free to be your own unique person and to fashion a relationship with another unique person that makes sense for both partners.

My opinion is that we should distance ourselves from stereotypes such as “a feminine woman” or “a real man”, when those stereotypes do not fit our personal beliefs or lead us to a place of contentment. To do otherwise is simply a matter of denying our true natures. Our personalities and natures are complex, dynamic, evolving and anything but static or stereotypical. Allowing yourself to be forced into someone else's definition may result in them seeing it as a perfect fit but it may not feel that way for you. Be honest with yourself, resist pressure to fit inside someone else’s particular box and don’t feel compelled to be someone you’re not.

When a man claims and embraces his “submission”, he may be told that he is in denial and not submissive at all but dominant because that is what being a man means. He may be accused of not being a “real man” and told that he must be a wimp, a freak or weak. When a woman claims a dominant role, some may conclude that she is not feminine, but merely bossy or bitchy. Unfortunate as that is, it is just life. You have to live your own life the best way you can, maintaining your own dignity and choosing your own labels of definition.

If gender based stereotypes don’t fit you, then ignore them. In the final analysis what matters more? Subjecting yourself to someone else’s preconceived notions of how you should act to be regarded as “manly” or “feminine” or working out a committed, meaningful relationship with someone that allows you to find contentment and that meets your deeply felt needs? I wish others could show a bit more tolerance towards those with different world views and perspectives, especially with regards to gender roles. But until that day comes, ignore the nay sayers, be true to yourself. Be the person that you are and seek a partner who shares your views. For only then will you find yourself in a relationship that fosters happiness.

Believe to Understand

My submissiveness is something that I have to some extent always been aware of. I didn’t discover it as some sort of epiphany. To be sure I didn’t explore it, never wanted to explore in fact until well into my middle age years. Nevertheless I always knew it was there. I was raised in the normal way, conditioned with the societal expectations for a male, pressed into that stereotypical masculine mold, but over the intervening years, more and more I pondered the undeniable conflicts that were evident to me in how I behaved and how I felt, especially as I related to women. In the beginning I tried to make myself believe that I was simply a little more in touch with my feelings than other guys, the sensitive type who was perhaps just wired to express and feel my emotions on a different, deeper plane. In some ways I admit I was actually a little fearful to acknowledge, much less look at in a serious way that part of me which I now define as “submissive” because early on I associated the little I did understand about it as being something feminine rather than masculine.

Society puts a great deal of pressure on us as people to conform to gender roles which are the collective expectations of behavior based on one's gender and that is just as true for females as males. Most men feel pressured to act masculine. To behave in a way that might cause a man to appear weak, emotional, or sexually inefficient to others is a major threat to his self-esteem. To be comfortable, men need to feel that they are decisive, self-assured and rational. It is very stressful when a man is made to feel that he has behaved in an “unmanly” fashion, or sometimes even if he feels his thoughts have been “unmanly”. And conversely, acting “manly” we believe results in increased social validation. Men learn to appraise situations using the schema of what is an acceptable masculine response rather than what might be objectively the best response. As a result men often limit themselves to a certain range of "approved" responses in coping with the stuff of life. We feel compelled to repress expression of tender emotions and instead to show our emotions only according to traditional masculine customs because being perceived as emotional by others will be interpreted as acting feminine. We feel obliged to conquer in regard to sexual matters and work.

These are some of the reasons that explain my reluctance to delve into the disconnects that to me were imminently apparent, between how I felt about things and how I behaved and why for a good part of my life, I refused to acknowledge much less explore my submissiveness. Perhaps it is simply a function of aging, that in time we grow more secure and self-confident and slowly but surely, the opinions of others, the expectations of society become less important in comparison to our own perceived needs and our desire for contentment. I happen to know that many submissive men do not come to truly understand and embrace their submissiveness until mid-life and sometimes even later. I understand this because questioning one’s gender identity is scary stuff, and exactly what is required before a man can explore much less come to understand and ultimately embrace submission. You must first believe and only then can you understand.

I’ve reached a point in my own life where there is no longer any plausible deniability when it comes to that part of me which is defined as submissive. I have not only come acknowledge it but to some degree to both understand and embrace it which has in some measure contributed to personal contentment. Yet believing, understanding and even embracing is only a part of the equation. Once you believe your submission and have embraced it, in a real way a type of the mythical “Pandora’s box” has been opened for you. Now you deeply feel the need for an outlet to express your submission, a person to whom you submit. In this alone, will real contentment be found.

In some ways, “discovering” and embracing submission has for me only resulted in the substitution of one kind of stress for another. Instead of the stress that resulted from forcing myself to stay “inside the box” with respect to behaving in “manly” ways, now I face the stress of “being” submissive without an available continuum for submissive expression. For me submission is not about the availability of a kinky sex partner. It is about finding a confident, assertive, deliciously dominant woman who shares my own interest in having a committed, intimate, female led relationship. The sexual aspects are of course a part of that and if she happens to enjoy the spice of kink, so much the better. But the issue is for the most part the availability of someone to whom I can submit, serve, pleasure and empower.

Since I first came to grips with and gained some understanding of submission and dominance and relationships involving the dynamics of power exchange from the perspective of SM, I quickly learned that dominant females were in that environment, in relative short supply. Finding one for a relationship such as I envision seems actually a pretty daunting task. However I do feel that surely albeit slowly society seems to be changing. The old gender role models are now being called into question. While still far from perfect, I think that more and more doors for women are being opened which were for so long wrongfully closed to them. As women assume greater leadership and fill roles in industry and government, formerly reserved for men, perhaps more and more, women will begin to question the antiquated gender roles impressed on them by society. To some degree I think this is already happening as many women I meet are no longer willing to accept anything less than parity in a relationship. Perhaps the next logical step for them will be the desire to lead in relationships. Yes, I do feel that as patriarchal society continues to slide, a transition to a more matriarchal society seems imminent. For submissive men like me, that would be a welcome change and hopefully will make it easier in the future to find women who not only accept our submission but will desire and embrace it. In the meantime, I will continue to search for the special woman that I desire. To believe is to understand, to be certain, yet to act is the precursor to having the object of one’s desire and needs.

Artwork credit: Talantbek Chekirov