The Submissive Knight

Recently I received this response to post I made on another blog from a dominant women who I have come to develop great respect and admiration for. I am using her response here to make a point or two but since I haven’t asked her permission in advance I am not going to reveal the person or the blog but simply reproduce her comments here…

“I want to thank Joe for posting and the wonderful well thought out contribution to the blog. He is a smart and very strong willed man who has freely given himself to the women in his life. As a girl you can't help but to think what would it be like to be held in his strong arms. I am sure that he knows how to please his Mistress on many levels. As a submissive man he is more of the knight than the slave. If it were not for wanting to please the female in his life, I have a feeling he could actually be very dominant. I have a feeling Joe is dominant with other men.”

Actually, I can’t stress enough how amazingly insightful I find this woman to be because she so clearly sensed, perhaps intuitively my nature from simply a few paragraphs of prose that I contributed to a topic under discussion. I do like to think I am somewhat intelligent but not in a prideful sort of way. I spent a good deal of money obtaining what I believe was a quality education from a respected institution of higher learning. Additionally, due to my age I have a good bit of life experience from which to draw and I like to think I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way. And she was right on target with her assumption that I do tend to be quite dominant in the way I relate to other people in my public life and have always seemed to gravitate towards positions of employment where I am cast in a very dominant role. I like to think I have some natural abilities as a leader and the U. S. Army did expend a good deal of time and resources polishing me into a tactically and technically proficient combat unit leader. In fact since “submissive” has a rather negative, milk toast connotation for members of society in general, I seriously doubt that you would be able to find anyone who knows me in a public sense that would characterize me as submissive. Finally she clearly observed it seemed, my willingness and sincere desire to submit in my private intimate relationships to a strong, dominant female personality. I see the submissive part of my nature not so much as defining me as a person but more so as making a positive contribution to the whole. And her opinion that she considered me more of a knight than a slave with respect to my submissive expression is something that after giving it considerable thought, I found myself in agreement with.

Submissive men come from all walks of life, from every stripe and flavor. Submission cuts across all boundaries or race, ethnicity, age and sexual orientation. While I may consider myself to be of the “knightly” bent, I hasten to add that in no way do I consider this superior in any sense to those submissive men who find it meaningful and choose to offer their submission in a different way. Some submissive men are as I characterize myself, very masculine in the traditional sense and quite comfortable and secure in their masculinity. Others are softer, even effeminate to a degree and I think that has just as much value because they are being the person they are and expressing themselves as real. That is great because to me diversity is the one thing that makes life such an interesting journey. It is also convenient because I have met just as many authentic dominant women who prefer the softer, less overtly male, more effeminate type of submissive man as those I have met who have a preference for the more typically masculine type. Definitely both types of submissive men are needed and should be valued. Obviously, I have very much simplified this by drawing a comparison between two extremes, because along the full submissive male continuum, one would find lots of varied personalities and blends of the two extremes I have compared.

To me there is nothing wrong with being masculine, and I do in fact strongly self-identity myself that way. I simply choose to depart from the traditional patriarchal society definition of what it means to be and act as a man. I do not at all and in fact condemn any notion that being male means that I am superior to women by virtue of the fact that nature has arbitrarily chosen to bestow me with a penis between my legs, that I should dominate women, that I should sexually objectify women, that I should treat women rudely or disrespectfully, or that I should not take them and their opinions seriously. In fact I have always revered, respected and admired females and the important contributions they make to society which I myself have been blessed to benefit from. I do not submit to every female, not even to ever dominant female, yet I honor and defer to each and every one of them. As a male of straight sexual orientation it is quite normal and natural that I find the female body attractive and exciting but that does not mean I should use that as an excuse to view the female body as an object which serves only the singular purpose of an ends to a means of my personal sexual gratification. There is so much more to a woman than that. Considering my mother, my sisters, my daughters and my close female friends, I could not hope to even come close to making the kind of positive impact and contributions to the world that they make routinely as women.

Submission to me is a means by which I can express both in tangible and intangible ways my honest and sincere admiration and respect for the female sex. A strong, dominant female both in and out of the bedroom is my ideal as the quintessential intimate relationship partner. Serving a dominant female both sexually and non-sexually and pleasing her in exactly the way she wants to be pleased, provides me with indescribably joy, pleasure and meaning.

Yes, as I think of it, I do see the rightness of the analogy between the knight and the submissive man. Consider this excerpt from the Charge Given to the Arthurian Knights and see if you, as I do, can easily pick out the similarities.

“God make you a good man and fail not of beauty. The Round Table was founded in patience, humility, and meekness. Thou art never to do outrageousity, nor murder, and always to flee treason, by no means to be cruel, and always to do ladies, damsels, and gentle women succor. Also, to take no battles in a wrongful quarrel for no law nor for no world's goods.

Thou shouldst be for all ladies and fight for their quarrels, and ever be courteous and never refuse mercy to him that asketh mercy, for a knight that is courteous and kind and gentle has favor in every place. Thou shouldst never hold a lady or gentle woman against her will.

Thou must keep thy word to all and not be feeble of good believeth and faith. Right must be defended against might and distress must be protected. Thou must know good from evil and the vain glory of the world, because great pride and bobauce maketh great sorrow. Should anyone require ye of any quest so that it is not to thy shame, thou shouldst fulfill the desire.

Thou shouldst not fail in these things: charity, abstinence and truth. Therefore be a good knight and so I pray to God so ye may be…”

The knights of old were skilled in the art of falconry, adept at arms, fearless in battle, generous and loyal, yet even for them the woman was both predictor and precipitator of the knight's ultimate fulfillment. The good knight accepted that without question and yielded to it immediately; recognizing his rite of passage into manhood was afforded him only by a woman. The same it seems to me is true of the submissive man as our greatest and highest potential as a man can only be realized through obedient submission to a dominant female.

Give and Take

Something my Mistress recently wrote motivated me to write about this particular topic today concerning the give and take aspects of a successful D/s relationship. While the submissive male should, and rightfully so I believe, place his Mistress upon a proverbial pedestal out of respect, admiration and adoration of her as an assertive, dominant woman, I do also clearly understand that within the dynamics of a D/s relationship, both bring positive contributions to the table for the benefit of the other. It’s simply a matter of a mathematical equation so to speak. One functioning dominant plus one functioning submissive equals a D/s relationship. Without the one there would really be little point to the existence of the other. I also believe that my submission and her dominance need to be nurtured regularly with rituals and acts of domination and of submission so that we both can experience growth in our respective roles.

Obviously, I am much more qualified to speak on the subject of submission than to speculate about what it may be like from the perspective of a dominant woman and to guess at exactly what activities nurture her dominance and satisfy her dominant needs. So rather than speculate about that which I don’t know, I will confine myself to speaking about that part I do know from personal experience. A submissive male needs a Mistress to regularly push his submissive buttons to help him maintain consistent submission. Submission is in part a mental condition and to be maintained frequent reminders of his commitment to his Mistress are needed. Try as we might it is difficult for us to constantly maintain a focus on always putting our Mistress’ needs first not withstanding the fact that at the center of our submissive male hearts is the desire to please. Even a submissive male’s “macho attitude” can sometimes rear its ugly head unless our Mistress makes it her goal to keep our minds sharply focused on our submission to her and her happiness. Sharing activities that signify our male surrender affirm her female superiority and I think are essential to the long term success of a D/s relationship. In turn these activities affirm for the submissive man that the source of his pleasure is principally derived from serving and adoring his Mistress. This helps him to keep the right mental attitude and also enhances the erotic tension within the relationship.

A female led D/s lifestyle relationship, contains these important elements, an exchange of power, male submission, obedience and control. With these integrated ingredients a couple preserves a balanced relationship and are happy and fulfilled people and can achieve long lasting intimacy. While my Mistress and I are both still learning our respective roles I think we are both growing and consequently we are allowing our relationship to evolve naturally. One thing I feel that my Mistress seems to intuitively understand is that ensuring that I belong to her mentally is the foundation on which our relationship is built as we engage more often in more mental type pursuits rather than physical ones simply due to the character of our relationship, which is an online based distance relationship. She does, in my opinion, a very effective job of bringing creative techniques to bear which remind me of my submissive role and that help keep our relationship fresh and vibrant.

There are many techniques and practices she uses, buttons she pushes to help me maintain focus and help me to maintain consistent submission. Rituals, assignments and the use of mild humiliation are tools she uses which help keep my mind and actions focused on pleasing her. While she hasn’t yet found it necessary to discipline me, she very effectively holds forth the specter of potential discipline so that I take very seriously the fact that she would not hesitate to employ that tool at any time she felt that I needed to sharpen my Mistress pleasing skills. Another very effective method she employs is through effectively projecting herself to me as a caring, loving, and nurturing female authority figure. While she has me convinced that she will not hesitate to punish wrong doings on my part severely, she also liberally gives me mental hugs and kisses, praise and encouragement, all of which serve to stir my submissive nature and keep me focused on serving and pleasing her.

Much of what I have shared thus far accentuates the mental aspects but she is also adept at interjecting the necessary physical components as well. She regularly sends me written communications that mention my submissive behavior and she addresses me as “her” sub, pet, naughty one, etc., all terms that help me focus both on her ownership and my submission. She encourages me in writing this blog which serves as a journal of sorts in which I record my thoughts and submissive feelings. She also comments on what I write frequently so that I am aware of the fact that she reads my blog and considers it an important part of our relationship. She also devises creative physical assignments for me to perform which help keep me sexually aroused and at times pleasingly frustrated. The most amazing discovery I have made thus far as far as the physical part of our relationship is that she has a talent for keeping me high on an ascending arousal plateau for long periods of time. Even when she gives me an assignment that allows me to masturbate to orgasm, shortly after I climax, already my arousal is again building once again so that I always have this richly rewarding feeling of always being left wanting more. Despite the fact she is new to exercising her dominant side, I truly find my Mistress has a rich natural talent for helping me to remain focused, vibrantly submissive and sexually aroused with all the ways she so deftly combines the tools at her disposal to wield her powerful female dominance and make me feel and experience it in very realistic ways. I can only hope that my efforts at offering my sincere submission, service and obedience to her, help to fuel and empower her dominance in a hopefully similar effective manner.

Talking Point: Do you believe both the domiant and submissive contribute equally to the relationship or do you feel that one or the other contributes more to its success?

The Man Behind the Blog

Posting personal and intimate thoughts to a blog offers a needed and welcome outlet for recording my thoughts and experiences but in a very comfortable and secure environment of anonymity. While the world can seem a big place, it can oftentimes also seem actually quite small. For obvious reasons I may not wish for everyone who might have occasion to come across this blog to be able to connect it with me personally. My journey into D/s and my exploration of my submissiveness are very personal issues which I keep separate from my public life.

That being said, after reading something similar to what I am writing about today, as host of this blog I felt a need for greater transparency about me, the man behind this blog, and what I'm about. Given the rather narrow focus I have adopted thus far in my previous posts I would like the readers to see me more as a total person and perhaps that might make this all a bit more interesting to read. So in the interest of more clarity about who I am, not only as a submissive man but as a person, I have sort of “interviewed” myself and offered here today some answers to questions that at least I imagined people might like to ask and that might be of general interest to anyone who would care to know me a bit better. If I've left off something that is of interest to anyone, please let me know and I will try to answer your questions.

Personal Bio:

I will begin with a little more about me, the person. I am a single white male, 46 years old, with no dependents, but I do have two adult children from my past marriage. I am the eldest of four siblings with loving parents who are still married and retired. As mentioned I was married once for a good long time but have now been divorced for many years. I have often considered the question; Would I want to get married again? Yes, I think I would like to experience marriage again at some point but as you might surmise if you have followed my blog, I would only wish to be married to a dominant woman who shared my desire for a female led relationship with a matriarchal dynamic. I am not actively seeking such a relationship right now because I am honestly very satisfied with the relationship I enjoy with my current Mistress, even though it is a distance relationship and due to a number of factors, she is not available to me as a real time partner. I do date casually in the vanilla sense but I am not involved in an intimate relationship at present. But were I to find an interested, confident and strong, naturally dominant female who could embrace my submissive instincts, desires and personality, then I could definitely find a sincere interest in engaging in a committed relationship. I do like kids and I enjoy being a father, a responsibility I take very seriously. But at my age I would not be interested in fathering children but would of course be accepting of children that a prospective partner might have. I had a very normal and happy childhood myself, which I am very grateful to my parents for providing me. My parents were quite strict with me but I never doubted that I was loved and that was important. I grew up in a small Midwestern town and come from a middle class background. At present I live in a large metropolitan area which I like a great deal because I love the easy availability of the many recreational and dining opportunities available to one living in a large urban area.

Physical Stats:

I am 5’-9” and pretty much height/weight proportionate, although I could stand to lose a few pounds. For most of my life I have been very active and have participated in regular fitness pursuits with the exception of the last couple of years. I have been for much of my life a long distance runner and have regularly competed in long distance races. I have since the age of 36, completed six 26.2 mile marathon races. Two years ago I suffered a very severe muscle tear while training and though I have now fully recovered, I have really had a hard time finding the motivation to work out and run regularly as had been my previous habit. I am hoping to correct that however and have just recently started a new fitness regimen that I plan to stick with and hopefully in the not too distant future I will back to racing again. I have moderate body hair, more than I like actually, and while naturally I had very dark brown hair, I have the salt and pepper look now and am balding on top. I keep my hair cut very short and conservatively as I think that is the best look once you begin loosing your hair. I wear a size 9 shoe of average width. As far as my overall looks, I try to dress stylishly in keeping with my age. Women have at times told me that I was handsome but I personally consider myself to be of average looks. I try to eat a healthful diet but I am not a vegetarian and I always get enough sleep. I am comfortable with who I am physically but understand the need to give more attention to getting back into shape and not letting things slide. I practice good personal hygiene and I am in excellent health.

Submission/Sex:

I am straight as far as sexual orientation and I have no bi-sexual tendencies or interests. I do enjoy having intercourse with a female I care about but I don’t engage in casual sex. If I were in a real life relationship with a dominant woman and she wanted me to “take the lead” in the bedroom, I would be willing and able to do that to please her as long as it was understood that she was the dominant partner. As far as D/s I don’t see myself as a switch and I don't “top from the bottom.” If I were forced to choose between being allowed to use only my penis or only my tongue for sex, I would definitely choose my tongue. I absolutely adore and crave pleasuring a woman orally as for me, that really defines what sex is all about; devoted dedication to the orgasmic pleasure of my female partner. Even in my vanilla relationships, I have always given top priority to her pleasure over mine. I simply love pleasing a woman and that is what brings me pleasure. If she wants intercourse then of course I am okay with that but I adore a woman who likes receiving respectful and attentive oral sex and I will offer it for as long as she wants it. As far as intercourse goes, my favorite lovemaking position assuming I am given a choice is as you might imagine, “woman on top”. I love this position because it allows me to give attention to her breasts, tummy, hips and clit yet it gives her complete control over angle, thrust and pace. The last time I had sex as much as I hate to admit it was almost ten months ago and was a “friends with benefits” thing. I do masturbate of course but at present the frequency and the decision on whether I am allowed to orgasm is totally under the control of my Mistress. I do enjoy this however as the restriction of my orgasms serves to make them even more intense and pleasurable. I love the anticipation and having to wait for the release.

Fun/Leisure:

I have a wide variety of interests and there are lots of things I enjoy doing to relax and have fun. I love to travel and have been fortunate that I have had the opportunity to do a good bit of it during the past several years. Right now I am in the midst of planning a vacation to Europe where I will be traveling to this Fall. I also enjoy just getting away and driving someplace for the weekend. Again I am fortunate to be located in an area where there are many different interesting and fun places to visit within a few hours distance by car. I really enjoy seeing new places but of course there are also old favorites that I visit again and again. I really love running although I have not been doing enough of it lately. I competed in track in both my high school and college years, running middle distances. Later during my military years I tried longer distances eventually leading me to compete in 5K, 10K and ultimately marathon races. That is really something I want to get back into doing as I have truly missed the competition and camaraderie of the running culture. I love to read and have very eclectic tastes in books, but I’d say my favorite books are biographies, historical works and classic novels. My favorite novel of all time is To Kill a Mockingbird. I am friendly and open to meeting new people but I have only about half a dozen close friends at any given time. I do enjoy going out to dinner or to catch a movie with friends whenever I can. I do enjoy movies and especially like older films. My favorite movie ever is Casablanca. A new interest that I acquired recently is backpacking and I have made several backpacking trips both with friends and solo. I really love and appreciate the outdoors. I do enjoy fishing occasionally but I am not into hunting. I am just now giving some thought to learning how to rock climb and plan to try that very soon. Eventually I think I might even like to try a bit of alpine climbing. Investing is another passion for me and I enjoy it for a lot of reasons other than simply for the profit potential. I can just enjoy sitting down and reading a bunch of financial statements and then pick stocks of interesting companies that I’d like to invest in.

Work/Professional:

I am employed full-time and a degreed professional. I am financially stable and don’t have to think twice before adding a book, CD or DVD to my collections. As far as what I do specifically for a living, I have to maintain a separation between what I do professionally and this blog simply because there is a good deal of misinformation and misunderstanding about D/s and I am not confident my personal proclivities would be received in a positive light by my employer and professional associates. Some people are fortunate enough to meld their professional and private lives, but unfortunately I am not. I live I think pretty modestly but only because I enjoy saving and investing for the future. I will never be rich but I anticipate a comfortable retirement and hope to further indulge my passion for travel when my work years are behind me. I drive a Jeep which is my vehicle of choice and a 4x4 works well with my new interest, backpacking.

So there you have it, a glimpse into my life as a single, sincere, and submissive man. As mentioned previously, if you have questions I haven't answered, do feel free to email or post a comment and I will try to answer them.

Vanilla Anyone

It’s double post Wednesday I guess because I feel compelled to share this. Recently I was talking with a dominant female friend of mine who is active in the local BDSM club scene. She has a vanilla boyfriend and now that they have become serious he is having a bit of a hard time accepting her continued involvement in the lifestyle. She shared with me that…

“I am having a hard time getting him to understand the role, beliefs, and behaviors of a submissive man. He can understand how a woman would submit but he seems to keep thinking that male submissives are only in it for the sexual aspect of it. He can’t separate sexual fantasies from actually being sub. He has insecurities and he is trying very hard to be open and learn more about the lifestyle. He was well aware of my kinks and beliefs prior to us seriously dating and I guess he thought I was going to give it up once we got serious. I want him to understand the lifestyle and be okay with me participating even if he isn’t interested.”

She went on to say that she doesn’t expect him to become her sub as she can satisfy her dominant needs through the local scene where she plays but she wants him to understand the dynamics from a male submissive point of view to ease his insecurities. She wants to preempt problems from occurring in their relationship as a result of her filling what is an important need for her and an expression of her nature. She asked to allow him to contact me directly to ask questions and see if he might gain some insight into what being a submissive man is really about.
Obviously I am flattered that she would choose me as someone she trusted to talk with her boyfriend about an issue important to their relationship, yet I am wondering exactly what I can say to him. Obviously since I am a submissive man I “get it” because I feel it and understand that aspect of my nature. But that’s just the thing, it’s a feeling thing not a knowledge thing. I can impart to him my beliefs and philosophies and explain how submitting makes me feel but he can’t feel that through me. So will sharing my perspective really help him understand?

Herein I think lays a major problem with what I shared about earlier this week about the question of whether there is a shortage of dominant women for submissive males to submit to or a shortage of authentic submissive males who really want to submit. I know from my own experiences, I have in the past sometimes felt lonely and got involved in relationships with vanilla females only to find every time that after a while I become disenchanted, unhappy and I invariably lose interest and start again to search for the assertive, dominant female I know will be the answer to my needs. The last serious relationship I was involved in was with a truly remarkable woman. She had a terrific body and I felt extremely attracted to her physically. We had so many interests in common and yes, the sex was seriously the best I have ever had. She wasn’t in the least interested in the D/s scene and I never pressed the issue with her, but if she were I have no doubt she would be submissive. In the bedroom she wanted her man to take her and use her in a totally dominant way. For a time I was able to do that but I was only filling a role and it was never something I found terribly exciting or arousing. Soon I had those same old feelings of feeling unsatisfied, unfulfilled and unhappy, so we broke off the relationship. Even though it isn’t the easiest thing in the world for a submissive to find a dominant or for a dominant to find a submissive, perhaps it simply opens up a whole new set of problems when we in the lifestyle settle with getting intimately involved with vanilla people. Is it really fair to them for us to expect them to explore D/s because it is a need for us or expect them to allow us to be with them but scratch our D/s itch outside the relationship?

An Introduction

As my inaugural post to launch this blog I thought perhaps I should explain a bit more about myself so that the reader might gain some insight into my perspectives and views in light of my self-definition as a submissive man. A large segment of society holds to the stereotypical views that all dominant women are leather-clad dominatrixes in high heels and that all submissive men are all wimpy, spineless, and effeminate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Beyond the realm of my personal preference for what I view as the ideal structure for a relationship with my intimate partner of choice, I hold a position in my chosen vocation where I perform a very strongly dominant role. I hold a leadership position and am a key decision maker. Previously I served in the military for many years, held a wide variety of command and staff positions and again performed in a strongly dominant role and had important decision making responsibilities. My position as a submissive in the sphere of intimate relationships allows me to step outside my normal role, leave my maleness at the door and escape from the pressure of living up to again stereotypical, macho expectations that society expects from men. This is a catharsis of sorts for me and allows me to relate to the significant female in my life in the ways that I value and find meaningful. In the same way she is empowered and draws from the relationship that which she enjoys and that fulfills her needs and desires.

Beyond the D/s component, my own personal preference is that I prefer to dutifully obey, follow, please, and serve a strong, assertive, dominant woman however and wherever it pleases her. I willingly defer to her all rights to command, to lead and train me to become her “good boy”, a treasured companion and attentive servant. I didn’t one day choose to become submissive. It’s simply biological. I was born to it and it is an essential part of my character and personality. I do respect and revere all women but being submissive does not mean I am a doormat for everyone, every woman or even every dominant woman. I submit only to that one special woman in my life and then I make pleasing her, serving her and meeting her needs my number one priority. I have not only embraced my submissive nature but I actually am quite pleased with being in touch with it and allowing in free expression.

Actually when you think about it, submitting to a woman is not really such a strange notion. Just think about how women and men relate in the vanilla world. Men may take the initiative to ask a woman for a date but who decides whether the date happens? When it comes to sex, it’s the female who chooses her sexual partners and she is also the one who decides when and if sex occurs. With respect to the institution of marriage or other types of committed relationships, especially as the relationship matures women often are the key decision makers when it comes to running the household, where shopping is done, when and what major purchases like homes are made and often how the money is spent. I am simply in my opinion an enlightened sort of man who sees and understands this and has dropped all pretenses that I am in charge of the relationship. I have no fear of allowing the woman to fill the role of leading our relationship both in and out of the bedroom. I can most happily dedicate all my efforts to the happiness of the woman in my life, give her my uncompromising devotion, put her needs, pleasure and wishes above my own, devote myself to serving her in and out of the bedroom, listen to her attentively whenever she is speaking and seek her approval before doing anything, going anywhere or spending anything. It is all so very freeing for me and it really does in my opinion simply the relationship equation.