Can You Explain It?

Sometimes I ponder things just for the sake of pondering them I suppose. Today I was considering the question, “If I had to explain to someone why I was interested in kink, what would I say?” I know how I got interested in it. I know why or think I know why some things about it appeal to me. Yet I think I’d have a difficult time explaining all of that to someone if I found myself in the position of having to do so. Especially if it were a vanilla person who wasn’t at all into kink and was for some reason in the position of demanding that I explain myself. A part of that for me I think is the fact that before I really knew anything about BDSM, D/s and the activities involved in the lifestyle, I actually had only the typical and stereotypical notions about it. Not only did I have zero interest in it, I actually had a very negative opinion of it, and yes, I suppose of anyone who might be involved in it. Of course I didn’t know anyone involved it. At least I believed that then. Now I am not nearly so certain about that as there are many people in my life who would probably say that very thing, and yet they know me, they just don’t know of my involvement.

I think I have shared on several occasions that when I first heard of “submissiveness” and began to put two and two together, I ultimately realized that submissiveness was that part of me that I’d always been aware of but never really understood. I decided that there was no harm in investigating it further and trying to learn if this was something I needed to address. For whatever reason I seemed to be a crossroads of sort in my life where I felt I could neither deny nor suppress that aspect of my personality and nature any longer. Honestly, there were times when I struggled with that issue and wanted to believe it was just a manifestation of a mid-life crisis. But first, I had to admit whatever it was I had always been aware of it. I also didn’t really believe I was having a mid-life crisis because aging has never been something I have given any thought to. I just never had any fear about growing older and have always been comfortable with whatever age I might be. Also, I knew definitely I had not recently felt any overpowering urge to go out and purchase an expensive sports car. I mean isn’t that the unmistakable sign of a mid-life crisis for a man? I’m just kidding of course, I have never actually been a car guy. I like Jeeps and that is what I will always like.

Anyway, my first investigation into the submission issue was searching a well known online bookstore for books on the subject. Of course the word “submission” has several connotations and so I found books ranging from religion to books on female submission to fiction. Well none of that was what I was looking for or felt would be helpful. After pages and pages on the site I finally found something that looked like it might be promising. The book was Different Loving: The World of Sexual Domination and Submission by Gloria Brame. I ordered the book and after receiving it, I started to read and could barely put it down. What I found inside was a very balanced presentation of what dominance and submission is all about. One thing I really liked was that there was a wide variety of people represented in the interview sections, people from all walks of life. The author’s style was both articulate and insightful and belied a very intelligent person. She did a masterful job of presenting the reasons that people found dominance and submission a vitally important part of expressing their sexuality. On its own, this book really shattered a lot of the stereotypical views I had held about BDSM and I began to realize that there were apparently some pretty normal people involved in it. They weren’t just a bunch of nuts or pervs so to speak. Armed with a bit more knowledge, I went back to the online bookstore with a better idea of what to look for and found two more books, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns : The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, and SM 101 : A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. After finishing these two books I admitted that some of the things were just not for me, but many others I did find intriguing and felt a definite interest in experiencing. I had an AOL account at the time and knew I had seen chat rooms referring to dominants and submissives so that was the next stop for me. Using the information learned from the book, I wrote up a profile and published it indicating my interest in learning more about domination and submission. Nothing happened immediately, but about a month later I received an email from a lady, identifying herself as a domme. She asked me a lot of questions which later I learned was her way of learning whether I was sincere or a poser looking for cyber sex. Fairly quickly she understood I was a sincere seeker and she told me that while she viewed the lifestyle as something done in real life, not online, she would be willing to mentor me and get me pointed in the right direction. I quickly took her up on the offer and she began to systematically teach me about the lifestyle. Mostly she provided me with book recommendations and Internet web sites to read and gave me writing assignments. This continued for several months. One day she told me she believed I had gotten as far as I could go with the knowledge part for now and what I should think about was getting some actual experience. I really didn’t feel ready to launch out into real life just yet and of course I had no clue how to go about finding people locally who were involved in the lifestyle anyway. She lived on the east coast so she really couldn’t offer me much help with that either, but she was able to find a few web sites of organizations that hold munches in my local area. A little while later, she took a new job and due to our schedules we lost touch and I was again on my own.

I continued to search and was rewarded by meeting people some online and some in real life and gradually I began to acquire some experience to go along with the knowledge. I was introduced to BDSM activities play, to the use of sex toys which I had never had any experience with, and again to just being able to talk with people with experience in the lifestyle. I met some very nice people, as nice as I’ve ever met in any other circumstances and they were all eager to help and were so affirming. I began to feel that I wasn’t some kind of freak and that many people, even many men were out there who shared the same feelings I did. I was introduced to submissive activity lists which included all of the possible activities that those in the lifestyle engage in. I learned about hard limits, soft limits and safe words. I learned the difference between a submissive and a slave. The more I learned the more comfortable I became and the more I was willing to experiment with new things that initially had seemed too far out there to contemplate. Many of the things I explored really produced very meaningful experiences for me and allowed me to experience my submissiveness beyond what I’d ever experienced before.

All of this I explain because it serves to illustrate that I came to know about submission in general and learn about my own submissiveness in particular from peering through the lens of BDSM. It is only natural therefore that as a result I came to be involved in kink and to learn that there were some rather kinky things that I enjoyed and that contributed to feelings of pleasurable submission. It seems that now that I have started this blog, more and more I meet people who define themselves as dominants and submissives and people who actually live in female led relationships, who have little if any involvement or interest in kink. Their approach or perspective is totally different, completely opposite in fact of my own. One dominant woman who is rapidly becoming a very valued friend tells me she is not kinky in the least and as far as sexual expression she is very traditional beyond wanting at times to be in charge and control in the bedroom. I’ve come to understand that I could find an outlet of expression for my submission even outside the realm of the lifestyle and that is something I think is a good thing. Not because I don’t enjoy kink but because it simply opens up lots of new possibilities. I like kink, but submissive expression, this sort of alternative sexuality is really the need that I must address so as far as kink, if I should end up with a woman who enjoys that then we’re good. But certainly the kink aspect is the minor consideration in comparison and I could be just as happy with a woman who wasn’t into kink but would appreciate and embrace my submission. There is nothing wrong with the kink in my opinion, but I know sexual expression is a very personal matter for everyone and we all differ on exactly how we choose to express that part of us. It seems rather odd sometime that I’d like kink because I’m not much of a masochist so I certainly am not one who could really appreciate a sadist. But along the way I’ve learned that there is much more to BDSM than just the SM.

For the longest time as I wrote this, I was feeling I was just rambling, but you know I guess there was a point to it because finally I can answer the question I pondered. I like kink because sometimes it just feels good to express my sexuality and my submissiveness that way and oftentimes kink provides a conduit through which I receive very meaningful and intense feelings of submission, something I’ve grown to enjoy very much. But that’s me, so tell me, how about you? Can you explain it? Why are you interested in kink?

Informed Consent

Within BDSM, D/s two acronyms represent the two key philosophies of safe play; S.S.C. (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and R.A.C.K. (Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink). Today I would like to focus on what one of those letters stands for, the one common to both acronyms. The letter for our focus is “C” for Consensual. Not that the other terms and their respective meanings are unimportant but in my view, all of the other terms and their respective meanings all lead back to this one over-arching theme, Consensual. For that reason I feel it extremely important that everyone and most especially the submissive be completely clear about the meaning of it. Generally we understand Consensual to mean that the two (or more) people involved in any BDSM play activity are informed consenting adults and that consent has not been obtained under duress but freely given. That is a good starting point but there is much more I think needs to be considered when we discuss the idea of Consensual.

All states have laws concerning when a person is “of age” to legally consent whether we are talking about legally consenting to sexual intercourse or to being say a legal party to a binding contractual agreement. There is sound reasoning behind these laws because without them, a person not really mature or psychologically competent enough might suffer harm or be taken advantage of without this important protection. The downside though is that we then tend to accept that a person who has attained the required chronological age to be considered an adult in the eyes of the law is per se capable and qualified to give consent. But I offer that with respect to our lifestyle this is not necessarily always true.

When determining whether a person is capable of giving consent, several obvious factors are taken into consideration; the person’s mental state, emotional state and chronological age. One factor that is sometimes overlooked is experience. In general the dominant is more than likely always going to be operating from a position of superior experience to the submissive. As submissives we have a natural and strong need and drive to please. If we are asked to perform something that we are given to believe will be pleasing to the dominant, almost automatically we are going to immediately express our willingness to do it. If you happen to be playing with a dominant with a strong bent towards sadism and you happen to not be terribly masochistic and they ask you if you would like for them to beat you with a cane and you agree, you may be in for a terribly unpleasant experience. So I pose the rhetorical question, is this really operative as consent? Yes, the dominant does in my opinion have a responsibility to subjectively evaluate whether a submissive is capable of giving informed consent before engaging in any activity because I think the dominant should of course be mindful of the fact that submissives are pleasers type personalities. Yet that does not relieve the submissive of the responsibility to ask themselves a few pointed questions instead of blindly offering up consent. For example; “Am I really prepared to go where the dominant wants to take me?” “Do I really want to engage in this specific activity?” “Am I on the same page here as the dominant, in other words, do we both have the same understanding about what this activity involves?” These questions I think must be asked and answered before consent can be offered. Otherwise we violate all of the other tenants contained within the meaning of remaining terms represented by the acronyms, S.S.C. and R.A.C.K.

If we ask ourselves questions like this and we feel prepared to go where the dominant wants to take us, we feel we do want to engage in the specific activity and we feel we are on the same page with the dominant as far as understanding what the activity involves, then the next question a submissive should ask themselves is, “Why do I want to do this activity?” Is the reason a healthy one? As an example, a healthy reason for wishing to be securely bound and then subjected to as much pain and torture as a dominant might be able to dish out is because a submissive desires a genuine test of how much he or she can take because this will further their growth as a submissive. An unhealthy reason would be I’m willing to do this just because I know the dominant really loves and gets off on playing with a pain slut, so I want to be that person for them because I need to please. The submissive really needs to be more concerned here about how masochistic they actually are rather than how much they desire to gratify the sadism need for the dominant. Your decision about whether to submit to an activity needs to be guided more by your level of desire for the activity than by your need to please the dominant.

Next the submissive needs to ask themselves, “How will I feel about myself after engaging in this activity?” Will this experience leave me feeling strong, good, positive and deliciously submissive? Or will it leave me feeling weak, ugly, dirty, diminished or worthless? Will the activity leave me feeling good about myself as a person or will it contribute to a negative self-image or cause self-respect issues? Will the activity leave me feeling ashamed and not in a good and erotic sense?

Another consideration before giving consent is how much trust the submissive has in the dominant. Trust is not automatic but is built between two individuals over time as they share experiences which demonstrates trustworthiness. Does the dominant have the skills and experience to engage in the activity competently and safely so that it provides a healthy outcome and leaves me feeling good about myself? If this activity is going to challenge me and push me to my limits, if I need aftercare, do I trust the dominant is capable and willing to provide me with the necessary emotional support? Am I trusting the dominant based on verifiable experiences and past observations or am I blindly trusting out of my need to please and connect with them?

Finally, before offering to submit to a dominant in one or more elements of your life you must be clear about whether those elements are truly yours to offer. If for example you want the dominant to own your sexual pleasure, do you have other lovers whose rightful expectations might compromised? If you wish the dominant to control your bathroom habits, is your life’s schedule and physical health such that you can perform as required? If you wish to submit to forced dressing, will the manner of dress you will be required to follow cause problems with you as far as the dress code of your employer? In summary, are the things you offer your’s to give without compromising responsibilities you have to other persons and things?

Hopefully I made a case for the fact that there is a good deal more to consent than mere willingness on the part of the submissive. To give competent and informed consent, you must first ask and answer some hard questions and not allow your strong and innate need to please to be the deciding factor. Your experiences with submission should serve to strengthen you and build you up, not tear you down or leave you feeling like less of a person than when you began. So before responding to a dominant with “yes, please” to a proposed activity, make certain you are actually ready for and truly want to do the activity for all of the right reasons. Otherwise, you will be wise to pay attention to that little nagging voice in the back of your mind and instead respond with a respectful, “no thanks.”